I’ve been working at a soul-sucking job that I have to drive 2 hours a day and I don’t like for 1.5 years. I do alright. I was a teacher and I want to get back into teaching because it’s more purposeful and fulfilling.
My wife found out about a year ago that her father was in fact not her biological father. A few months later he died. This caused her trauma. My wife is a teacher as well, and she said she wanted to take a year off and go to therapy. I was not a fan of the idea, because we need 2 incomes to feed our 2 kids and fund her spending habits, but I agreed as long as we cut our spending and she focused on getting better. We inherited some money from her father and moved into his house and sold our old one for some money as well. I’m talking to a fiduciary to invest this money so it doesn’t get spent and we have money for the future.
Last week I was offered a teaching a position. I was frustrated by the fact that I had to decline it, because we cannot afford the pay cut. If I don’t get back in to it this year, my certification will lapse and I will have a hard time renewing it. I was devastated and explained to her my frustrations. I told her that taking a year off is not the norm, and that she hasn’t been working on herself, she’s been spending more money, adding to her hoard, and avoiding any sort of physical or emotional hardship. I told her that I gave up something that I wanted (and she wanted for me) so she could continue not working.
Next month she is flying from the midwest to Vancouver to see Taylor Swift with my oldest daughter. I told her today that it frustrates me that she is going through with it. I understand that she had a tough time and that this is a cool thing for them, but I wanted her to understand that it frustrates me that she gets to do this while I’m cutting back on things and declining a job I wanted. I told her to CONSIDER flipping the tickets for a profit of a few grand. She responded that it feels like I’m trying to ruin her good time with guilt and that she really is working on herself, but it’s all internal, so I can’t see it.
I just feels unfair and if I pressure her not to go, I’m going to be made into the bad guy. I’m in between a shit and a turd place.
My therapist said that he would never recommend a year off to anyone going through grief as it doesn’t allow people to heal and get back to their lives. She goes to Target, Costco, or the grocery store daily. Her last costco run was $200 and she bought 4 water mugs because they were on sale. We have a ton already. The basement is FULL to the brim with kids toys. It looks like a bomb went off and it needs to be cleaned/organized. I asked to do it and she said no, because I won’t do it right. I asked her to do it and she said she will. That was 5 months ago. I finally got her to agree to do it with me on Saturday, but I’m sure there will come a reason why we can’t.
She won’t get rid of anything, but keeps bringing new things in. She won’t get ANY physical exercise. She insisted we buy a Peloton years ago and every month she tells me she’s going to use it and doesn’t. She doesn’t face her problems by cleaning up after herself or organizing what I would call the bottom floor of her life, so she can build upwards.
Next month will have been a year since her dad died and she doesn’t seem any better.
I see now.
It sounds like your wife needs to face the stark reality that she needs to move on. What the therapist said about her not needing to take a full year off is something I would agree with. A few weeks or, or a month or two maybe. But a full year? No. Especially with no signs of getting better. What you’re describing isn’t healthy behavior. Have you tried to get her to face the reality that she needs to move on? Or maybe some members of her family, or close friends, can talk to her if they’re in the picture? Sometimes you need to hear it from multiple people to get the message through.
That’s a good point. I should talk to her sister and mom to see if she has noticed patterns that we could all make her aware of together.
Definitely would help, especially if they’re close.
Wishing you the best of luck in all of this. I’m very sorry you’re caught in a situation like this. Hopefully it gets better for you soon.
Thank you!