Sorry for a challenging and maybe weird question.
It is something my parents engaged in a lot while I was growing up (presumably unknowingly), and it’s also a recurring point of discussion online, wherever I go.
On the internet, most people seem to regard it as very traumatic, though my own experience of it wasn’t. It was more just something that happened, and most of the time I’d be sleeping through it anyway. I also feel that any potential trauma here is mitigated by raising your child with a generally healthy knowledge of sexuality.
A common comment on the topic is that people can “just do it quietly,” but I’m inclined to think that some people do need to react very loudly to sexual stimulation.
Interested to hear what everyone else’s experiences, or views on the matter, are. EDIT: If the question interests you, here’s a guardian advice column post with extensive comments on the matter: “I can’t climax quietly and I’m worried my teenage kids will hear me.”
I personally would be at least cognizant of that. Same rules apply for parents with kids in the house as it does for people everywhere: DO NOT involve unwilling participants in your sexual activities.
The fact they don’t see anything wrong with this is somewhat disturbing. At the very least, you’d think they would make a minimum effort to mask it from their children.
The fact they don’t see anything wrong with this is somewhat disturbing. (…) you’d think they would make a minimum effort to mask it from their children.
They would do it at night, I’m guessing they had no idea how audible it was on the various audible occasions. So I’d say they made effort to mask it - they’re certainly not exhbitionists. Other instances I’ve read about seem far worse.
My parents would just turn the music up, but the problem was after a while we learned exactly what it meant every time they played Enter Sandman loud. Mum would tell us she was just vocalizing - yeah I guess that’s the word.
It got to be the song of fucking in that house and after a while they knew that we knew. So they changed it up and started playing Pantera instead. Fucking Gen X strikes again.
Everybody starts as a cream pie anyway and kids are going to hear something at some point, not sure how much it matters.
Your parents have good fuck music.
I’m… Sort of of two minds about it? It’s not a scenario I’ve specifically put thought towards.
On one hand, I do feel like the way we treat sex/nudity as inherently, and uniquely, traumatic isn’t exactly… Great, in a lot of ways. Like. I walked in on my uncle watching porn once when I was 5 or 6, and it wasn’t a traumatic experience. I only remember it because of how the adults around me reacted when I said something.
On the other hand, if the kids are young enough, they won’t have a clue what’s going on in the other room from noise alone. As they hit their teenage years they 100% will, and they will put two and two together about the past noises they heard.
On the other other hand, an adult in a room mate situation can put a restriction on sex while they’re home, specifically because they can know when that’s happening. The kid can’t, specifically because they don’t know.
There’s also the consideration of “This is a minor” that I haven’t even touched on. Ethics aside, there could be legal ramifications.
Idk my gut feeling on this is “Maybe we should be waiting for while the kids are at school, or at the grand’s, if we can’t keep it down during sex,” but also idk if that’s an actual ethical decision I’ve come to on my own, or if it’s just how I’ve been raised, and the society we live it.
Thank you for posing the question, though. It’s something to chew on
Thank you for your thoughtful comment!
I walked in on my uncle watching porn once when I was 5 or 6, and it wasn’t a traumatic experience. I only remember it because of how the adults around me reacted when I said something.
This reminded of the parenting advice that when children hurt themselves (e.g trip over) freaking out about it is training them to freak out at the pain more - the calmer you are about it, the less tears are shed.
Basically this is the same way I feel about nudity - you don’t freak out and yell at your kid for accidentally seeing you naked, you instead explain that people appreciate privacy regarding their body, so one should look away when someone is undressed. I presume this is what you mean by 'the way we treat nudity and sex isn’t great.’
Ethics aside, there could be legal ramifications
Yes, I actually found out recently that there’s a crime called corrupting a minor, which usually means showing them porn or sex acts. I think it would only apply to overheard-sex if the child made the parents aware, asked them to avoid the activity, and yet it continued. I, not being bothered by it, simply never bought it up (pretty sure I was a teenager when i first overheard.)
I presume this is what you mean by ‘the way we treat nudity and sex isn’t great.’
That’s part of it, but for the sex portion we do put sex on a pedestal, from both directions. It’s not a hill I’m willing to die on yet, but the gist of the opinion is that people tend to either demonize sex as this inherently corrupting force, or sanctify it into this uniquely sacred thing. Reality’s a lot more messy, and I think both positions are wrong
I don’t worry about it that much, but do try to be somewhat, I wouldn’t call it discreet, but would lock the door, and always taught the kids to knock if the door is closed - I don’t care if they know what we are doing but certainly don’t want them walking in unexpectedly and strong preference that they not hear us much.
They are grown now, not traumatized and pretty open with me so it seems to have worked out.
I think my position when they were younger can be summed up as: sex is normal, it is for adults, stay away lest ye see something you really don’t want to.
I want to break this question into a few parts:
- Is it wrong for people to have sex so loud that their neighbors/roommates can hear?
- Is it especially harmful for children to hear their parents having sex?
- Are some types of sex sounds more harmful for children to hear than others?
For 1, I’d say it’s polite to keep it down a bit for other people’s sake. Especially because sex can be a bit… repetitive, it gets annoying fast. Don’t bonk the walls. Fix your creaky bed. Muffle your screams.
I don’t think it’s harmful for children to hear sex, if you’ve explained to them that it’s nothing to worry about. Don’t try to hide it or look guilty or ashamed either, let the kids know it’s good and healthy. Apologize for the noise though, see point 1.
If you sound like you’re being murdered and the door is locked, that could freak out a kid. Make sure the house is empty before you do loud CNC play or whatever you’re into.
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Yeah, but a sleepover though? He could have accepted it as normal parent behaviour, but that doesn’t mean you want your friends to hear it.
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If it’s intentional I would lean towards it being wrong, yes. If you know your kids can hear you having sex, then to my mind that would suggest you’re getting some kind of pleasure out it which is very weird IMO.
Not really. There’s definitely a point to being considerate though, even if there’s nothing wrong with the noises themselves.
On the whole, I think it’s far more important that the parents keep a healthy happy relationship, since that’ll matter a whole lot more for giving a good upbringing.
On the whole, I think it’s far more important that the parents keep a healthy happy relationship, since that’ll matter a whole lot more for giving a good upbringing.
Honestly, I agree! It was nice to know that they had sexual compatibility and a thriving sex life. Didn’t traumatise me at all.
Yeah, it is at the very least, very inconsiderate. People are way too much in a hurry to have children, before they can even afford to house themselves properly.
I have no kids but had sex in front of my dog a lot. He didn’t care at all. He would just lie down and go to sleep until we were done.
