Posting this here because I’m unsure of where else to post something like this.
Over two years ago at this point I mutually ended a nearly year long relationship with someone I was still in love with. We were graduating high school and while still going to colleges in the same city, realized we were in over our heads and were in an unhealthy situation so we split it off. It destroyed me. It took me a year to get my shit together (I went on a minor drug-binge for about 3 months after and spent probably $6k from eating out and making sure I always had enough bud) but I eventually met my current partner. Things aren’t perfect in our relationship but I genuinely love her and we work to further strengthen our relationship. I don’t know that I see the rest of my life with her, but we’ve been together over a year now and I don’t have any intention of ending things anytime soon. We also live together so making it work is more of a necessity lol.
But I can’t get my ex out of my head. I’ve spent nearly every day for the last two years trying to let go of her but I don’t know why she keeps popping into my thoughts. I don’t love her, I don’t want to be with her, I don’t want her in my life. And ahe isn’t, but I’m still dealing with this. I do have a therapist who I’ve talked at length with about this but I don’t know, something about her just is stuck in my head. Maybe I preferred sex with her? I doubt it but she did kinda define what I consider my “type”, so maybe it’s just she’s more unromantically attractive to me? But it feels so much deeper than that. If it were those shallows reasons I feel like it would’ve been easier to debug and diagnose. She was my best friend. One day she was in my life, the next day not. It feels like a very specifically sized puzzle piece is missing and now there’s a small hole in the puzzle.
I don’t know, it’s kinda maddening. I don’t have most social media, so it’s easier to avoid her online and not think about her. But occasionally I find myself borderline stalking her, except it’s just me gathering random information I already know from OSINT tools with no intention or idea on how to utilize it (I’m well aware of how to use OSINT data, I mean in this specific situation). Part of it just feels like someone really important to me was rapidly removed from my life and I yearn to reconnect with them, but I guess I fear what such an endeavor might reawaken in me. I don’t love her, at least I don’t think I do. If I do it would be monumentally fucked up and I would feel like I’m emotionally cheating on my partner, who is somewhat aware of this issue but thinks I have it figured out (I thought I did too; I’m not knowingly lying to my partner). I don’t know, I sent them a proper goodbye email a few months ago and thought that was that but it’s clearly not. And I’ve put so much time and effort into trying to wrap it up for myself but now it feels like I’m just lost and stuck. Part of me just wants to reach out and ask if we can get a cup of coffee, but the other part of me recognizes the red flags in that immediately.
I just want to be done with this. I want my brain to get it through itself thar it’s over. It’s been over. There’s no changing the past, and if I could, I don’t think I would’ve reached the point where I am in life with my current opportunities if we had stayed together. Part of why we broke up was because as I was learning how to sell pot (which I was never very good at), I became a massive stoner (which I am very good at). She wasn’t anti-weed but didn’t appreciate it. When eventually saw that us growing apart was hurting each other and decided to leave things behind. Being young and dumb, I didn’t handle the breakup well. I didn’t do anything bad or harmful to her or anyone else, but it was obvious to both of us that I wasn’t okay afterwards. When I feel like I needed her the most, she was gone from my life. In doing so she broke our promise of prioritizing our friendship over the relationship. I don’t really know. I understand a lot of the reasons why I’m hurt and some are justified some are not. I understand the role I played and the responsibility I had in hoe things ended. I was not a great partner in a lot of instances, and neither was she. But part of me wonders if we had met now what it would be like. But I wouldn’t have been who I am now without her and without being without her. I’m just so fucking unsure man.
I’m sorry if this is really rambly. I expect that the majority of answers will probably be to just get over it already, which I’m trying to do. I just don’t feel like it’s the right thing to ask to see her again, because that feels like an eventual mistake rather than closure. Idk, tell me I’m an idiot or an asshole to my current partner or something. I just want to be done with dealing with the legacy of a long-dead relationship.
TL;DR: Mutually ended a significant relationship when I wasn’t ready. Been kinda fucked since. Want to not be fucked so I can be a better partner. I suck for this.
Edit: Thank you to everyone who has commented thus far. A lot of the discussion has been really helpful and I’ve got some new leads on how to debug this issue. I’m trying to respond to everyone and I can’t express how appreciative I am.
It sounds less like you’re missing your ex, and more like that you’re disappointed in the fact that the relationship failed. It sounds like you built up an expectation of your relationship with your ex, and when that ended up falling through, you feel let down. And it sounds like you can’t decide whether to put the blame on her or yourself.
If I’m reading that correctly, I think the best thing to do is to acknowledge this fact, that the issue is not that you’re missing the relationship, but that you’re struggling with the emotional letdown when your relationship ended up being less ideal than you initially planned. Because if you keep thinking that the issue is that you’re missing her subconsciously, you’re going to get led to the wrong solutions. For instance, putting blame on you or her isn’t going to solve the actual issue.
If we take this premise to be true, then I think addressing the real issue probably comes down to thinking about what your expectations were and thinking about how the relationship was never going to meet those expectations from the beginning (based on the examples that you gave). Ultimately, I don’t know your situation, and I’m not a therapist. But that’s my interpretation of what you wrote
Holy shit dude that’s not a perspective i had considered before. that’s massive damn. i need to chew on this for a sec but i genuinely appreciate this. i think your analysis is very accurate and helps me reframe the issue. it would explain why i feel like im making so little progress, because I’m not debugging the actual issue. thank you again!
This was kind of an eye opener for me as well. I’ve had a hard time of letting go of some of my exes, and I always wondered why. What you said coupled with the fact that I sometimes have a habbit of idealizing a relationship and fanatsizing about what it would look like 3, 5, 10 years from now, is at the root of the problem, but I never framed it like that.
Thank you for the words of wisdom 👍. I am past those relationships, but I never figured out why it took me so long to get over them.
There are times in life when we don’t get closure and never will. Coming to peace with this can be challenging. Do what you can to enjoy time with the ones you love. Time makes it easier but there’s no guarantee for closure, ever. Enjoy life the best you can. Keep going.
Thank you, I will.
Lots to unpack here
But occasionally I find myself borderline stalking her
Don’t do this you creep. Talk to her like a normal person or a friend (note - after you address the other points in this comment). I still talk with some of my exes, it’s chill. You’ll probably notice she’s changed and you don’t like her as much too.
There’s no changing the past, and if I could, I don’t think I would’ve reached the point where I am in life with my current opportunities if we had stayed together.
Good on you for staying strong with that. It’s why you broke up originally and you fulfilled that. Good job.
I became a massive stoner
Don’t do this. Despite so many people echoing the “pot isn’t bad for you narrative”, countless studies have directly showed it contributes to demotivation, and there’s plenty of correlations to things like increased anxiety and other mental illnesses
In doing so she broke our promise of prioritizing our friendship over the relationship.
Half this post suggests you’re a weirdo dude. First stop being weird. Then you can be friends.
I understand a lot of the reasons why I’m hurt and some are justified some are not.
You’re gonna learn that just because you’re hurt, doesn’t mean it can easily be made right. What could she possibly do to unhurt you? Apologize and come back into your life? No, she’s not gonna do that. Especially after everything you wrote before this. Focus on things you can improve and write off your losses (i.e being hurt) instead of letting them drag you down.
tell me I’m an idiot or an asshole to my current partner or something.
You will never have it all. People in stable relationships develop a crushes on other people, they miss your exes, and they see easy opportunities to jump ship onto someone else for a whole host of benefits (experiences, sex, money, whatever). Some people do, some people don’t. But you will always leave something on the table.
If you’re an asshole to your current partner, you’re going to know that by the fact you’re not treating your current partner well. But it really sounds like a case of you need to fix yourself before worrying about others.
.
Apologies if my comment came off as a little brutal, but I want to be clear and not simply comfort you on it. Fix yourself.
Fix yourself.
Phrases like this or “stop being a weirdo” are aggressive, insulting, and only work for you to feel superior to the OP.
Even something like “you have a lot of unsolved issues, you should see a therapist before attempting to befriend your ex”, though equally blunt, is less deliberately insulting.
Phrases like this or “stop being a weirdo” are aggressive, insulting
Yea, they should be. There’s certain actions that are unacceptable, and some people need it a bit harder to comprehend the wake up call
So for instance if a neurodivergent or non-social person acts in a way you disapprove, it’s OK to bully them, according to you? Just so we’re clear.
Again. So we’re perfectly clear, as someone with family members on the spectrum, some people do better with different methods of delivery. Some people will struggle to understand the severity of their actions unless it is spelt out and clear.
I’m not saying go around and insult people. You can tell by my parent comment I have good intentions. But to help fix the situation, everyone is providing their opinion with different delivery formats. The goal is for one of multiple of them to strike through to OP so that OP can improve.
I’m not saying go around and insult people.
You’re not communicating well, then.
You can tell by my parent comment I have good intentions.
Actually, I can’t. I don’t know you. Your insulting and condescending tone in those parts contradicts your purported attempts to help.
There is no context whatsoever In which the very loaded and insulting word “weirdo” is acceptable. Just because you have trained your family members to accept insults as information, that doesn’t mean it’s OK.
For someone who jumped in defending potentially offended neurodivergent people, you seem quite close minded to the thought that they could be interpreting messages differently.
So for the third time, I will repeat myself: gentle round-about explanations delivered in a soft tone does not help deliver the message of bad behavior to many people. So please, if you want to help them instead of virtue signal, I recommend looking at it from their point of view, where despite “being told”, they don’t understand.
At the risk of veering further off topic, thank you for sticking to your wording and the reasoning behind it. It is nice to be nice, but people often need things more directly, and they can stand up for themselves if they believe they have been spoken to poorly online.
This thread has me thinking about my worst ex, who was actively stealing from everyone she could.
Many people tried to warn me that she was no good, but no one was direct about it. Many people even pretended to like her, only to later reveal that they had concerns but were being nice.
The worst was my own parents, who would go on and on vaguely, ask about things I now know she stole from them but saying shit like “well I don’t remember telling her she could borrow it, so could you please get it back the next time you see her?”. Then suddenly a few days later they’d bust out extreme shit out of left field, calling me brainwashed. I guess because I never read between the lines?
I’m neuroatypical. That’s far worse than calling me a weirdo.
It took almost five fucking years for someone to sit down and go “Here’s a list of what I believe she has stolen from me. I’ve starred things that I’ve seen her with or other people in our group have confirmed they have seen her in posession of.” It was a relatively new member of my then social circle who happens to be autistic.
Within three hours I had re-evaluated the whole history I had with my then gf. I threw up because my head was spinning and I was disgusted at how blind I had been.
Ultimately, I was young and in my first serious relationship. I don’t blame myself. I don’t blame those people for beating around the bush. But for fucks sake that mess could have been over a lot sooner had people not been so damn concerned about being nice.
I am in a constant state of working on myself. I agree that the stalking is weird and creepy and inexcusable. It usually doesn’t amount to much more than a google search and a search on whatever social media i have (which is not much), but it’s not right to invade her privacy as such. It is infrequent but I will make sure the frequency becomes nothing.
As for the pot comment, I understand the literature surrounding pot and am making an informed and conscious decision in partaking of it. I also enjoy being a stoner and am a fully functional adult while being one.
And yes I am aware it cannot easily be made right. I understand it is not going to be healed or fixed with a simple solution. It has just been a long journey already with slow progress. It can be difficult to see how far you’ve come when you’re in the thick of it.
deleted by creator
I would like to point out that while no form of stalking is acceptable and I will not be engaging with it further, the information I was finding wasn’t any new or revelatory; its the information I had forgotten over the years. But i agree, it’s harmful to my healing journey, invades her privacy, and is overall just a shitty thing to do.
As for the weed, it serves a very specific purpose in my life that changes from time to time and is consistently reevaluated. It’s not to numb me, and I do monitor my consumption for abnormal effects. I am a fully functional adult, with emotional awareness and regulation, while stoned.
You make some good points, but the fact you seem unable to do so without being condescending says a lot. You may have some work to do on yourself as well.
Fair
If this was a highschool relationship my advice would be to just wait. I was devastated when I broke up with my highschool sweetheart but every year it became less important.
Breaking up is something you learn to do just like anything else. In my case I found out the person I grew into isn’t someone the person I was seeing would have loved and the person I am now isn’t someone who would love the person I used to date. Now all the emotions I had and all the things that I thought were important seem trivial
Hope this helps, and don’t stalk it makes you weird and everything you’re experiencing worse.
My rule of thumb is it takes one year of grief for every year invested in a relationship. The fact that it’s been two years for a one year relationship is a bit concerning.
I’m not so sure on that rule. It’s not like I experience a set time period of grief after a relationship ends that’s half as long as the relationship lasted. It usually comes in waves. A bad week, dreams or even a certain smell might trigger a moment of grief that could last from minutes to weeks. As time passed they happen less frequently, last less time and have less emotional impact but they still happen. I wouldn’t suggest that it’s out of the ordinary to be having these feelings if they are occurring 2 years after the end of a 1 year relationship.
Different people will move on at different rates and that’s okay. Just do your best to keep yourself healthy (mentally and physically). If you are struggling with moving on and you think it’s actively harming your health it is crucial to seek some form of therapy however.
I appreciate the insight. And yes I agree the stalking is weird and creepy and this will be the last time I do it. It’s not something I enjoy, but in my darker moments I’m more affable to my intrusive thoughts. That isn’t an excuse though.
I know it’s kind of a given, but this is truly something that therapy can be great for.
I’ve been with my current partner for 15yrs and I’m still not over my ex. I just got used it.
i think this is what I’m trying to avoid, sorry.
I think my point is that you can’t really avoid it. You can just learn to move on. Moving on takes many shapes and one of them is being ok not being with who was once special to you. There will be new people, new faces, new life events and you get used to life as times moves forward. Or you can just get stuck in the story of your past and let that be a burden to your present and future. There is one tale that comes to mind: two celibate monks reach a river. As they reach to cross it, a woman is seeking help to cross it too but is afraid she’ll drown. One of them refuses categorically to help due to their vow of celibacy. The other doesn’t say a word and carries her on his back to the other side of the river bank. Without saying a word he lets her down and the two monks carry on on their journey. After a short while, the first monk says to the other “how could you help that woman back there? We took a vow of celibacy!” And the other replies ‘’huh? That woman went off my back at the river crossing. Why are you still carrying her?”.
I moreso mean that I want to avoid the situation where I’m not over my ex. I want to make concerted efforts to not hold onto the past like that, and I have. I appreciate the parable though, it was nicely insightful!
15 years, wow… yeah, you might still be in love with him/her… or something they had, but you just don’t get that in your current relationship.
Lets just say life is complicated and choices were made. I’m a happy man with a beautiful family. But sometimes, at night, they still come to mind and you can’t help but ponder on the what ifs.
I know what you mean… I’ve made shitty choices most of my life… but, things are what they are, have a family now as well and you can’t just give up on that.
But, still… as you I sometimes wonder what things would have been like if I didn’t make my current life choices.
By building context.
Other, new experiences with other, new people. Are they better? Worse? Comparable?
You won’t know what it is like or what it even means to be “over” it until you have an idea of something else that will work for you.
I am in the healthiest relationship of my life with someone I genuinely love and appreciate, which makes these feelings all the worst. I think thanks to our fellow lemmings, i have some good ideas on how to progress forward. But the strategy you outlined is what helped me get to this point, so thank you for your perspective!
I always write when I feel bad enough.
I wrote down about my bad feelings. I wrote a letter I pretended to send them - it helped a lot.
I created a tool I used to see where on my way on healing I was. I used a clicker to measure amounts of thought I had about them and made a chart out of it (It was awesome to see how the thoughts dwindle to nothing with time)!You can also talk about it with friends, family and strangers.
I do journal and I try to talk about it when it seems appropriate. I do like your idea of the clicker though!
Yay! Discussing hardship as well as sharing the good stuff with folks can help if you have someone that fits around!
I am with a wonderful and amazing partner which is why I feel so bad dealing with this particular issue. I really appreciate the support.
Over time it doesn’t get any easier, the pain just gets further away.
Unless you fall madly in love with the person you were meant to be with.
There is no one person you’re meant to be with - that outlook is incredibly detrimental to your mental health.
Unless you think that everyone is the same person and humanity is just a distributed consciousness. In which case anyone you end up with at any time is the person you’re supposed to be with. At which point the key to moving forward is trusting and forgiving “yourself”.
I think that’s healthier but still unhealthy. People who are physically or emotionally abusive are clearly the wrong person to be with - for anyone. Some people just shouldn’t be in relationships with anybody.
Just like… form relationships with people that make your life better and avoid shitty people. If a relationship makes your life worse don’t continue it.
Yeah for sure. You can’t logically prove that world view one way or the other, but it’s something worth thinking about and meditating on imo.
I broadly interpret “form relationships with people that make your life better and avoid shitty people” as “Do what makes you happy with the assumption that everyone is doing the same thing, and that the choice to pursue happiness is correct.”
I definitely get the sentiment of “avoiding shitty people”, but I do think that there is a time and place for it. I have some family members with some really hurtful world views and I still choose to engage with them when I know it will bring happiness for both of us.
But yeah, I don’t think my philosophy is logically perfect by any means. It is admittedly irrational, but it’s the best thing I’ve found for being able to live my life the way I feel like I should be living.
Eh. I’ve been “madly in love” and felt like I would never get that feeling again. Turns out you can.
That’s the counter-intuitive thing. We’re actually hard wired to fall in love, so it’s relatively easy to do so.
It’s something dating shows use to their advantage. Chuck a bunch of attractive people into a villa, out of their comfort zone, stressed, then give them drink and make them stay awake for long hours being filmed doing romantic shit, and the chances are they’ll start developing actual feelings as the hormones start pumping.
We obviously roll our eyes at someone saying they’re in love after they’ve been on screen for 50 seconds, but from what I’ve heard from production and crew on at least one of these shows, they genuinely do have feelings for each other.
Which weirdly makes me less cynical about these reality shows, but more cynical about actual love. If humans can fall in love that easily, it does make love feel less special.
in my opinion love is no more than specific neurochemicals that incite breeding caused by specific triggers. however there are many stages of parenting and humans evolved not to just bust and dust as we began to socialize and civilize. those instincts require different neurochemicals, all with their own triggers. i think lust and infatuation are caused when we find someone that triggers that first stage of breeding. but real love is finding someone who is able to trigger other sets of neurochemicals that drive you to stay with them. someone that you enjoy being around and spending time with. viewing love as biochemistry isn’t as bleak as a lot of people say, because it also explains why we find people who we want to be with in the long term. it doesn’t denigrate what love it, it just shows that real love takes work and effort to maintain.
I agree, but I would clarify I am coming from a place of the right person “right now” versus forever as that is just not how love goes for most.
Therapy. Seriously. It will help with everything.
I am in therapy. It has helped tremendously but it’s not a silver bullet.
Except your wallet.
If you have health insurance, check with them to see if mental health is covered. You actually might not have to pay anything out of pocket. Obviously that’s going to vary from coverage to coverage. But also, a lot of providers have affordable rates for the uninsured. It costs nothing to call around and ask.
This. Lots of health plans don’t even have copays anymore thanks to COVID.
I’ve been in your shoes. I nearly married my ex that cheated on me. You know what happened? Like you I tried to move on and ended up meeting my wife while my ex was trying to reconcile. She admitted that she screwed up and that we should start over. I ended up snubbing her in favor of giving my now-wife a shot. Almost 16 years later and it was the best decision I ever made relationship-wise. My mistake was thinking my ex was the only one for me.
It’s okay to not have the answers. It’s okay to take time to figure this out for you. But you need to understand that if your ex hurt you when you really needed them, that’s not the person that is going to be by your side at all times - they failed that check already. Life is short and fleeting - don’t waste your good years hoping something will manifest itself through all of the past drama. You’re fantastic and someone is DEFINITELY out there that will appreciate you for exactly who you are.
There’s lots of fish in the sea, and potentially there might be several people out there that might be the one - give this one a chance!
Thank you for your insight, I really appreciate it. I am doing my best to give things a fair shake with my partner as she’s wonderful. This is something I wouldn’t be able to do without her.
Finding closure of some kind I think. Keeping in mind why you broke up, why it didn’t work out, why there wasn’t a future in the relationship, etc.
The relationship before my current partner of over ten years was really intense, I thought she was really the one, she was what I had imagined my ideal type was for practically my whole adolescence. But a spot of long distance and her parents disapproval had us in a bit of on again off again, where during one drunk call to me, she admitted to kissing other guys (at the very least), and that was enough for me to just go, “oh, I think our expectations are too different”, and I was able to put a hard end to that. Yeah, I occasionally think of her, but more in the curious way you wonder about an old acquaintance.
I had a friend with a sort of similar situation to yours, he and his girlfriend mutually broke up when we were all graduating high school because her friends convinced her that long distance wouldn’t work out. It really messed both of them up, especially since they kind of stayed in contact. A lot of weird stories there, but not really mine to tell. But he talked a few times about all the “what-ifs” and it feels like that’s the hardest part in letting go of a relationship.
On the other hand, if you can convince yourself that the answer to “what if?” is basically “nothing good”, I think that can help. Though, easier said than done, it’s kinda like brainwashing yourself by focusing on all the negatives about them. Easy for me because of the cheating, but not so easy for my friend.
I think it really is the what ifs. She was the person I decided I would settle down and tamper my ambitions for. And then we broke up and it swept the rug out from under me. I’ve since decided to never make that decision again (my future plans will require me to maintain a very active and busy lifestyle) and not tamper my ambition for anyone, but that’s at the expense of properly “settling down” into a singular, stable place. But the what ifs on if things had gone differently or if I ever do see her again (very possible, we live in the same city and my parents don’t live too far from where she used to dorm). I am content with what I have now but I am skeptical of myself and worry that should I actually see her again, I may realize i feel differently. Rationally i know that what’s more likely is that two old friends will reconnect, and I’ll fully see that our parting was for the best, but I can’t help but wonder. Idk, this is gonna take a long time to fully debug and it’s so multifaceted that it always feels like you’re starting over. But mistakes do not define us or reset all our progress, they just remind us that we are fallible and thus human. They are to be learned from and grown from. Thank you for your insight, I truly appreciate it more than you know.
I don’t think this is something that unusual (or at least I hope so lol). This is someone that played a significant role in your life, that from one day til the next is suddenly not there anymore. For me this felt a bit like a part of my everyday life just died. Although I’m not sure how much you can compare this to the grief from death I feel like there are some similarities.
As others have already said, it does get easier with time, where at some point you will probably notice that you haven’t thought about her for some days and then from there on the times where you think about her get further and further apart.
I know that for me I also had some underlying issues that really exacerbated the situation in a bad way. Therapy helped here so much. Not trying to say that you necessarily need therapy, but if you think that you may also have some underlying issues I really think that this will help immensely.
Hope you can work through this and can get happier with your current situation and partner.
For me this felt a bit like a part of my everyday life just died
Totally unrelated, but a friend opened up about his feelings about his fiancee’s sudden death a couple months prior. He said sometimes he’s just going about his day, and something awesome happens, and he thinks “I can’t wait to come home and tell Hannah!”… but then a moment later he remembers that Hannah is gone.
that’s really heavy damn
I appreciate your insight. I am in therapy and it has helped a lot, it’s just the progress on this particular issue has been slow. I’m used to a lot more rapid and iterative development when working on myself and this has just taken forever to debug. Sometimes for a period of time I do stop thinking about her, but eventually she enters my thought space and I guess because I still have so many associations to her, when my brain pulls random information for whatever the context is she ends up getting pulled as well. fuck me that’s gonna take a while to properly fix haha. I definitely have underlying issues but that’s where i tend to use the rapid, iterative development so i have a good handle on those for the most part.
Therapy or much time
Both of those already in progress :')
I have been there so close to this situation. It is almost like “how am I supposed to meet someone else?” Everything is numb and nothing really takes it away. But it does with time. And TIME TAKES TIME.
Just try today to appreciate a few things about your new partner that make them special. Like maybe their smile, or laugh, or just the fact they are with you. Love the one you’re with.
Someone told me when I broke up at first that ”They are not there anymore” - meaning that the relationship is not there for me anymore. It’s true.
Be grateful this happened so early in your life and you have so much great life ahead!!
Thank you, your perspective is very helpful. I do try to appreciate my partner and not take them for granted. I also attempt to acknowledge that there’s no going back. the only way is forward.
