Tw: discussion of bad mental health

The burnout is real and strong and has been going on for ages. How long? I honestly I don’t know, could be six months could be year. Most likely it was mild burnout some reduction in burnout and then more burnout to greater extreme, reduction but not completely and the cycle has gone on so long I don’t remember when I wasn’t miserable, lonely, exhausted, ate healthy, productive and so I have just walked down a set of stairs into a dark pit of who knows what.

Some days are easier, words, explanations, communication and such but most days I feel like a mess and can’t get it sorted out. I started this process of trying to get better 2 years ago. Started seeking professional help and here I am. Am I better? No, maybe, I don’t know.

I feel like the first med I ever took may have left me with permanent issues. I feel like I used to go through periods where things were bad but I dug myself out and was able to keep going. Passive suicidal thoughts were only popping up occasionally. Now it seems almost daily. I don’t actually feel suicidal. It’s just intrusive thoughts they don’t even feel like they belong to me. Just like some gremlin that reminds me I’m worthless and should just end it. Then it’s gone. No desire to actually do that and I know it’s just a passing thought but it sucks almost all the joy from everything.

In this time I have gotten married and bought a house that I adore. I have loving family and spouse. Pets I adore, goals so why do I feel like this all the time. I do experience happiness but I can’t seem to hold on to it. And I am getting worse at my job and further behind.

Not sure really where I was wanting to go originally with this. I do have a mental health team who I am working with, but I feel like I am not making progress. Appointments are spread far apart.

I feel like crawling out of my skin and screaming but also like doing none of those things.

Idk thanks if you read this far. I’m not sure what I wanted other than to maybe feel like I have told someone how bad it really is. How much I want to be better and how impossible it seems.

Because now I have to go back to work and pretend I haven’t been crying that I’m not exhausted that I can get through today. I’m afraid to ask for a mental health day.

  • jupyter_rain@discuss.tchncs.deEnglish
    8·
    9 months ago

    Hey, I think I was (and almost very surely will be again) through something similar. Please do not listen to your intrusive thoughts. And please talk about them. I did not and the suicidal thoughts just got worse, even if I was sure I had them under control and could handle them.

    Apart from that, is there a way in which you can step back and reject some of your tasks, reduce your workload or just mind your health more? For me, otherwise than therapy, reducing small taks along with just minding myself did the Job. Stayed in a lot of weekends in a row and just let the world be. But I guess this is a very individual solution :)

  • the_q@lemmy.worldEnglish
    4·
    9 months ago

    Are you certain the burnout is your main issue? Are you putting even more stress on yourself trying to hold on to happiness because you “think” you should be happy? Is ADHD your only diagnosis?

    • pixel_witch@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      3·
      9 months ago

      And I should be happy some of the time. But I feel it less frequently if at all and it’s very fleeting. If I am happy I shouldn’t be so destroyed by intrusive thoughts so easily

    • pixel_witch@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      3·
      9 months ago

      Oh ADHD is not my only diagnosis. I am on ssris for depression and that’s what I started on. But the depression and the ADHD are irrevocable linked and tend to fuel each other in very negative ways. And the work load never decreases. I speak about it from a burnout perspective because that is the easiest way to discuss it. No matter the ADHD or depression I have to keep working and through working I have felt like I have been in burnout for forever. But the break isn’t there. I don’t have the ability to stop and really take a break. I keep trying self care things and tips for depression and burnout and it may improve for a day but then it’s right back to where I was previously or worse shortly after.

      Breaks seem to short and far too ineffective. Infact in trying to take breaks I have made it worse because they havent helped and now I’m just further behind and more overwhelmed.

      • the_q@lemmy.worldEnglish
        4·
        9 months ago

        If you quit your job could your partner carry the load for a while? Is your self worth tied up in your work? Self care is important, full stop, but it’s often weaponized to put the pressure of not feeling awful on you instead of the soul-sucking world we live in.

        • pixel_witch@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
          1·
          9 months ago

          God I wish. My spouse is the main bread winner but my job provides the insurance that allows us to see therapists and psychiatrists.

      • SkyezOpen@lemmy.worldEnglish
        2·
        9 months ago

        Purely physical fatigue compounds over time to the point that a few good nights sleep won’t fix it, it can take weeks. I imagine mental stress is the same. It sounds basically impossible for you to actually relax. I don’t really know what to say because “Hey have you tried relaxing” isn’t very helpful. If it’s possible, you could ask someone to take something off your plate, whether it’s at home or work, to make your load more manageable.

        Remember it’s OK to ask for help when you need it.

        • pixel_witch@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
          1·
          9 months ago

          It’s just me and my boss so at work I am trapped with the work load I have. My spouse has been understanding and has taken anything he can when I have asked but it’s a balancing act because he has his own issues to work through.

          I am working with a therapist and she wants me to prioritize so the things I don’t get to are the least important and least likely to keep bothering me while I try to rest but man it’s hard.

      • frogfruit@slrpnk.netEnglish
        2·
        9 months ago

        Have you looked into autism? I was always burned out, labeled “anxiety and depression” and tried over 20 meds for it. I did not improve until my diagnosis of ADHD and later autism. Taking proper meds and working with a neurodivergent affirming therapist has helped me manage my quirks and take necessary precautions/accommodations to avoid burning out. My life still isn’t where I want it to be, but I no longer want to die.

        • pixel_witch@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
          1·
          9 months ago

          I havent. I doubt that my particular issue is autism. I don’t meet any of the other criteria for it. But I am so glad you are at a better place and working with a great neurodivergent therapist.

  • mhmmm@feddit.deEnglish
    2·
    9 months ago

    Hey, I’ve read your words, and I feel for you.

    It seems like you’re caught in an impossible situation - having to work to keep insurance, and not being able to reduce workload without jeopardizing that, worsening the burnout either way. I’m sorry it’s so hard right now.

    I would share my own burnout and recovery experience with you to maybe help, but the “getting better” I was able to achieve so far is entirely due to a looong paid medical leave (about 1 year), a 6-week low-intensity in-patient program and the space for transformation that gave me, and I don’t think I could’ve done it this way while continuing to work or support a family. I don’t say that to put salt in your wound, I just want to express that getting better is basically like getting another job - it requires ressources and time and energy. If you absolutely cannot take a break, then please be gentle with yourself if it takes you a lot longer than this to get better. Also, for full disclosure, while I’m now back to normal, my “normal” actually entails being chronically low-level depressed and not being able to consistently function in many ways considered normal for an adult (hence my being on this sub), so it would feel a bit phony to pretend to have the answer.

    However, I have one recommendation that might be helpful. I’m not sure if you have the capacity for it, but I really benefitted from the book “Burnout” by Emily and Amelia Nagoski ([https://www.burnoutbook.net/](their website)). It’s not a cure-all and not ADHD-specific, but it is a great guide to explain how stress works and how to really cope with it, especially on a physical level. It’s great for perspective and concrete exercises, and a pretty good read.

    I sincerely wish you some peace and room to breathe, somehow!

  • InfiniteStruggle@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
    2·
    9 months ago

    Have you shared the way you feel with your husband?

    You also mention meds that left you with permanent issues. Would you be comfortable sharing which med it was?

    Just ADHD is difficult enough, Adding in complex issues of the mind just feels unfair. I have some experience with intrusive thoughts too, and it stayed with me for a long time. I hope you find some measure of peace from all this.