I’ve been forcing myself for decades. I can’t stop thinking about how I wished I had killed myself when I was 12, the last time I felt genuinely happy. I vividly remember feeling like I would never be that happy ever again. Now the only thing that would make me feel truly happy would be the regular periodic execution of billionaires, especially epstein listers.

I have no interest in romance but when I was younger I had it in my head that I would marry a normal person and have kids and be a better father than my dad. Now just the thought of making a kid go through what I did makes me feel like dying.

I just wanted to live a basic average life and live in a community where people help each other with whatever comes along. All I got were friends dying after being bullied for being trans or not looking the right way, parents that degenerated into maga facebook losers, the last 15 job interviews being fully AI, starting a business being utter horseshit where you need to already be a millionaire at least for things to move smoothly, not being able to afford anything I could potentially enjoy, and probably having some sort of neurological disorder that makes socializing miserable all the time.

I keep wondering what I’m doing this all for and everyone that I should be able to go to for help are all dead or have become maga, epstein lister apologists, or genocide supporters, or just ignore anything that feels remotely uncomfortable. I’m so tired and I don’t want to be angry any more but just ignoring it has let it spread directly into my family.