Monday: had an “emergency” appointment with a psychologist because I felt so horribly low, I wanted to die. During our 30 minute talk - which would’ve been much more productive had the schmuck actually read my medical journals - I explained how I felt, tried to give concrete examples of how my depression affects my everyday life and I told him that I see no other solution to my pain than ending my life. “Or maybe I should just start doing drugs like my parolees?” I added to further exemplify. HE LAUGHED.

Wednesday: a nurse from my local clinic called me. She was worried for me, since I had written an email to the clinic saying basically what I wrote above. We had a long talk and she made me feel so comfortable. I didn’t feel the need to explain or to defend myself. She concluded that I’m not actively suicidal and she told me to come in for a visit with my physician in about two weeks. “Don’t hesitate to write or call again if things get worse before that!” she said. For some (to me) inexplicable reason, she asked if I wanted to meet the physician that I had met countless times before. That is, the one that got me on my current antidepressants that don’t work and that she won’t let me quit… I fell quiet, because I didn’t know how to react to the fact that I have a say in the matter. Then she said “you are not hurting anybody, not doing anything wrong at all, by asking for another physician. It’s totally normal not to get along with every and all people.” This felt like such a salvation. “If I switch physician, maybe the new one will let me try another medicine?” I thought, so I said “yes”. I thank her so much. Such a heartwarming conversation.