My child is being punched at kindergarten by a girl who also continually does things to him. For example, putting soap on his chair, messing with his outdoor clothes, etc.
The teachers know and have talked to the girl’s parents, but the behavior continues. My child is scared to go and cries about it sometimes. I’m not entirely sure how to handle it, because that’s the teachers job and I’m not there to help or see it.
Eventually, I’m considering involving the police, but that seems pretty last resort.
Any suggestions?
Edit
The director and teachers are all aware of the issues
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If the responsible people are aware, in this case teachers, director and to a certain extend parents, but won’t do anything, you did not cause enough discomfort for them to do something.
I’d have another talk with the teacher and director and make it very clear that this issue won’t stand. I’d explain to them again why this is urgent and lay out my next steps if this is not solved. Those next steps may involve consulting a lawyer regarding taking legal action, going up the ladder above the director, involving the responsible government organization etc.
Make it clear that if they don’t solve this problem they will get another 10 problems to solve very soon. Sometimes people need some extra good reasons to care for a problem that concerns someone else. Make it their problem.
What helped in some cases for me:
- There was a boy bullying our daughter on the playground so she didn’t want to go, he was 5 and she 4 or so. One time I went there when his mother also was there and scolded him really loudly infront of everyone. The mom came running and said she will get her husband who does karate or whatever, I just told her to do it but if her son ever talkes to my daughter then I will deal with him if she can’t.
- A girl was biting our son in Kindergarten so he would come home with bite marks, she was half a year smaller than him, he was about 3. We told the principal that we expect them to move this girl to at least a different group so she stops biting him, better that they remove her from that Kindergarten. It went a bit back and forth but then her parents moved her to a different Kindergarden.
So I used to bully a kid in kindergarten. I don’t remember what I was doing at all or the kid even, but I do remember his dad confronting me in front of everyone.
He didn’t do anything mean, never raised his voice, all he did was calmly and repeatedly ask me why I was doing it and how it wasn’t nice and all that. Just a straight talking to. I never bullied anyone after that.
Kids are scared shitless of adults they don’t know, you don’t even have to scold them or be mean or anything.
That being said, how the school is handling it is the bigger problem here.
This is the way.
This bully is too young to realize they’re a bully, they’re just copying whatever happens at home: which means the parents probably won’t do shit.
Showing (modeling) this child how to deal with conflict respectfully and peacefully will help both your child and the bully. It’s exactly what the staff should be doing and perhaps they would in a less litigious society.
You’ll also likely find in the contract or terms of service for the provider that sustained bullying behaviour is grounds for termination of the placement which might be useful to point out to the director: you’re not upholding your end of the contract. It’s less dire than “I’ll call my lawyer” but just close enough it might motive them.
This is pretty smart. I might try this
Talk to other parents. There’s a non-zero chance that your child is not the only one. Also, for children that young, a lot of the times such behaviour comes from negative home experiences - be it their own parents bullying them, or even just neglect (no corrections, guidance, etc), so you can’t always expect help from the kid’s parents. However, if you manage to get the involvement of other parent(s) then it becomes more serious, and hopefully will have the staff listen and act.
I’d say principal/director is usually the step after a teacher isn’t doing their job.
I should have noted. The director is aware and part of the chain.
I’d escalate, in the US threatening legal action would be the further step. Theres probably nothing a cop is going to do.
I would escalate it then. There needs to be a solution for either separating them or punishing the offender or both. I’m surprised they haven’t acted yet to be honest.
It’s the culture here. Very passive. Bullying rates are very high unfortunately.
I’m going to keep pressure on the staff and karate in th meantime. Karate isn’t about violence inherently. I did some martial arts and I hate fighting, but I also have decent situational awareness and can avoid a fight because of it.
I’d recommend you make it top priority try to step in for your son here. No matter how hard, how passive or incompetent a principal is, or other parents… It’s your obligation as a parent to safeguard your child from bodily harm. Children shouldn’t be forced to fend for their own wellbeing at a mere 4 years of age. If any kind of fight is required to solve this, it should be you fighting on behalf of your son. Not a 4yo against both bullies and the entire world of adults not doing their job.
Can you get guidance counselors, or someone above the teacher involved? Maybe changing classrooms?
It really is the teacher’s responsibility to make the classroom a safe place, and if they aren’t doing it, escalating the problem is the next step. You shouldn’t be scared of school, and if you are, the administration has failed.
Coordinate with other parents. “she goes, or we go”
one time i went to get my daughter from daycare, through the window i saw get getting hit, next to an adult reading a story. i came in, grabbed her stuff, took my sad daughter and never came back. no questions, no nothing, just called them to tell them why she won’t be coming back. then changed daycares.
What do you expect the police to do that the director and teachers can’t do? Arrest the 5 year old girl?
Does your child tell the teachers or other responsible adults about the bullying in the moment, or are they reporting it to you to then report the behavior after the fact? If your child is not reporting it to teachers when the bullying is happening, it’s difficult for them to address it with the girl for it to have a meaningful impact.
This girl will not be the only instance of confrontation your child experiences in life, so teaching them how to deal with it in general so they are prepared to handle it themselves will set them up for success.
Police are the next step legally in my country. Not about arresting, but they create a report that is legally valuable.
My child does report, but the consequences are minimal
You can talk to the principal and ask to have your kid moved to a different class.
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They’re in kindergarten. Teaching to hit back shouldn’t be so highly upvoted. Teaching boys to hit girls isn’t going to repair his self esteem or his pride.
Unfortunately, we need to know how to defend ourselves from physical violence, no matter who is dealing it out.
Having been bullied in school myself, I can also attest that it only stopped when I started fighting back.
They’re 4 years old.
So four year olds shouldn’t defend themselves from physical violence?
They should be taught how to resolve conflict without hitting.
Based on what I’ve read here, I think that’s been tried and doesn’t work. Until it does, that four year old gets to go out in the world with fear, with the adults around seeming to be unable or unwilling to help.
When my kids were younger, and had these very same troubles, I told them what I was doing that they might not have been able to see, and that they shouldn’t start a fight but they had every right to finish one, and that I’d stand behind them if it came to that.
Just having the confidence that they could defend themselves in the moment helped a lot.
Sending a 4 year old out with the message that they can alleviate their fear by being violent only breeds more violence.
5.5yo
Ok 5 years old. That doesn’t change my point at all.
Personally, I’m in favor of karate because I think it could help my child block and avoid physical attacks. Plus the confidence of being able to handle a fight without panicking.
Martial arts isn’t always about escalating with more violence. Plus my son isn’t violent and won’t be punching anyone anytime soon, but being able to dodge/block is very cool.
I fully agree that teachers should handle this, but they aren’t.
Martial arts taught me how to block my abusers’ strikes, and it teaches to manage the body’s stress response and channel it into action - even if that action is “I have the power to not punch first”
Karate is a great extracurricular. They aren’t going to teach him to hit back to restore his pride or self-esteem like the other user pushed though. They’ll help him build his self-esteem internally which will help with his emotional resilience.
Unless you’re suggesting teaching kindergarten girls to hit boys will repair their self esteem or pride, im not sure why it’s necessary to make gender a variable here.
I didn’t make gender a variable, the parent comment that I replied to did.
Kindergarteners shouldn’t be taught to hit back.
You know what? that’s fair.
I entirely missed that comment, my bad.
I don’t think idealism against the idea of violence is the answer, given…you know…people, but i’m all for not making it the first port of call.
Yes, please. “Fixing” someone by teaching them to practice violence has never solved anyone’s problems in life. It’ll just turn them into a person who also thinks violence is an adequate means. Pretty much like that other girl who obiously also learned violence gets her something. And currently they seem to be smarter than that, you don’t want to drag them down and turn them into some potential bully as well?!
I mean first of all it’s the adults responsibility to fix this situation. They have to because it’s unacceptable and it’s their job. And furthermore, this should be about stopping(!) kids punching other kids, not add more punching to the mix. We really don’t need more violence on this world and in future society.
(And lastly this isn’t even what they teach in karate club. Karate isn’t about fighting other people. It’s about personal growth and about you yourself.)
The flip side is teaching him that he can’t fight back when he’s physically attacked and teachers aren’t helping isn’t great
Then pull him from the daycare if the director and the teachers refuse to protect your son.
Why aren’t you pressing the adults for more action here? Are you content to let them just be looped in and do nothing to protect your son?
Kindergarten is legally mandated and options are scarce. Plus a bunch of other mitigating circumstances
What does the director and teachers tell you about how they’re handling the situation?
They say they are talking to the bully’s parents and monitoring the situation
I would press them for more intervention. Separate the kids when they’re playing, watching them more closely, time outs for the instigator. Make it clear this is unacceptable moving forward and that it is impacting your son’s ability to participate at school.
Have you tried beating up the bullies father, maybe paying an older child to bully the bully?
Or I guess you could talk to the bullies parent directly. Maybe ask them over to observe the childrens behavior, maybe try and “force” them to be friends?
