I don’t feel like doing my work anymore… I just want to take a long break from (almost) everything.

Nothing makes sense, not life, not survival, just, a whole lot of nothing. Is this what life is meant to be? A slow roast that ends with death and insignificance? It seems like I might just be an unhappy person, someone who isn’t satisfied with the way things are around me, unable to understand and fit in. What do I live for? This can’t be it. My convoluted mind won’t accept living for whatever this life is.

Do I think too much or too little? Are these thoughts worth entertaining? Are actions supposed to be deliberate, or should we just live by pure instinct alone? Is a complex brain really worth the struggle of understanding what it’s meant for? Is there meaning in anything. Or am I just wasting my mind’s energy on nothing, in the grand scale of things.

I wish I could just pause time for everyone but me so that I might have enough space and time to find the answers I seek in the universe we all live in. Or whatever else may be out there. Enlightenment sounds like it would solve my thoughts now, but would my conclusions be the right ones? Would my philosophy be “correct”? What if enlightenment brings more questions than answers? Maybe it would be better to live as a single-celled organism with no brain, but then what’s the point then? Be as cold as a robot, and about as alive as one.

Excuse my rambling thoughts and questions, I need to let everything out and at least figure something out. I’m not sure if it’s the real me trying to speak through the keyboard, the one utterly destroyed by this world, or a figment of my thought process that needs straightening out. The walled and fragmented brain, it reminds me of nations waging war against each other, sometimes achieving temporary peace, but not for very long.

A bright spark, losing its shine over time. A beautiful budding flower, left to wilt and shrink up. A solid rock, weathered by the elements to a mere pebble. So many metaphors to choose from. So many words to explain. So many pictures and sounds come in mind. But none represent the struggle in its entirety. Maybe I’m just too insignificant, even in my own story. And maybe that’s how it is. Maybe I should just fully resign myself to fate, whatever that may be. Instead of going against the flow of the black river, maybe I should just sink to the bottom and go wherever it goes. But that wouldn’t be a life worth living.

Typing this while at work and not actually doing whatever work was assigned to me. But this matters to me. Pouring my thoughts on this platform is better than being a drone. If I get caught, so be it. Work? Money? Why is it that these are the things that matter the most in this damn cruel world. Just, why? Is this what being human is supposed to be? We got this far, for this? This crap?

Am I melancholic? Mad? Stupid, probably? Frankly insane? Maybe it’s all that and more. I don’t understand the point of this thing I’ve written myself, but that’s probably the point. A madman rambling on about anything that crosses his mind. Feels like the longer I live, the closer I’m getting to becoming one of those who have completely lost it, the ones just droning around on the streets, talking to themselves, and generally avoided by most people when they are seen. It sure does look like it. Seems inevitable. Maybe that would be a nice reprieve from whatever the hell this is.

Do normal people have these thoughts? If they do, do they think it out loud or maybe it’s just a waste of time and energy for them? let me know in this thread below. Well that made me sound like some YT peeps I follow, but eh. At the end of the day, it’s just bullshit anyway. Scrambled thoughts presented through imperfect communication means. Language may be colorful, but it doesn’t even come close to describing it all. Maybe my vocabulary and language knowledge is just too limited. Like most things. It’s always limiting, everything that is.

If I could describe my mind right now, it would be a series of dams, walls, and distortions trying to prevent something from seeping through. It’s not like a cage, but it does feel limiting. So many levels, and it seems like I’m starting at level 0 every single day. In the midst of it all, how I managed to stay conscious somehow after 26.5 years is a mystery, even to myself. Now I get why babies cry when they are out of the womb. Because who in the world would want to be out here? If I had a progeny in the future, I hope he or she doesn’t get my brain. Thinking like this is too much a torture to bear. That’s all I can muster for now.

I just want to go home and feel like home. I feel like returning to my very own fantasy world, how “childish” of me. God, I hate that term. Childish. What an absolutely unnecessary and hurtful word that is. I just want to launch those who tell me that into the sun. imagination, creativity, a sense of wonder. I lost all that because of people like those. And now I want it back, but how do I get all that back from those who have taken it from me. How do I take myself back from the world which has done nothing but take my energy and gives nothing of significance back? Feels surreal, doesn’t it? Do you get it? I’m not even sure I do. I’m not even sure I can find my will to live, not after this. If their goal is to make me an inanimate object, then they’re succeeding. If there’s such a thing as “them”.

Wow, that’s a wall of text if I’ve seen one. Meow Arf. Sizzle the Drizzle. Crystal clear but it’s black. Ain’t seen nothing back. It’s a trainwreck. Humming like a bird or an electric motor. Ain’t it awesome? Arbitrary meanings to combined symbols. Express the need to be for real but ain’t nothing like that on tinted glasses, you feel? Tick tock click cluck, quacking like a duck because life sucks. A B C even if you don’t see me. Feeling like a lyricist but more like I’m a cancer cyst.

Time to drown my senses and shut other senses down. Haven’t found the underground mound.

Smile. :) haha I think a small part of me just died today, but another one come back to life. I don’t know, maybe I’m just imagining things, maybe I’ve gone full delusion. hahahahaha what the hell what’s this. anyway, seems like I’m finally tired of expressing my thoughts to words, maybe I’ll come back later with another wall of text hahahahaha…