For context I’m not out to anyone and I still boymode (6months HRT)
I was at a party in a bar with friends 1 month ago, we took pictures together and posted them in a discord server, immediately a dude “V” asked if I was a real femboy. So now I have people asking me about it and I didn’t reply.
Yesterday I had an eyelid surgery and I sent a picture in the group with my eye patch just for fun and V immediately went “yeah you’re 100% a femboy I was certain of it” (in another language) and people AGREED???!!
I don’t know what to do, on one hand I want to be a woman not a boy or a man, but on the other, since I probably won’t pass until I get FFS I might as well say I am a femboy in the meantime, this way I can pretend to be a man and still wear what I want?
I’m not sure I would get treated better than if I was out as a trans woman. Feminine men get a lot of shit. But femboys seem to be trendy enough to be seen as weirdly cool. Idk…
I feel weird about these kinds of things people say.
I get it’s coming from a kind place, and I guess that for some people it might help and give them strength to keep going, but for me… It feels like being coddled.
Let me make my position very clear, I’m talking about the conflation of what you are with how you look.
Not all women look femme. And while OP has expressed in other comments that she has feminine characteristics (while she discounts them, despite being important (hey OP, a feminine voice is a Very feminine thing to have, it might contribute a lot to you being seen as a femboy)), you haven’t seen how she looks in order to call how she looks ‘femme’.
How I personally feel
Femme means something specific. I’m a slightly dysphoric enby, who looks more masc than I want, and when people who know, try to tell me I look femme, I (do get euphoric, and then) ask them why. And honestly, if they don’t have a good vibe of understanding what they’re saying, it feels disingenuous, and it feels bad. Like a confirmation that they don’t see the femme parts that are here.
On top of everything else, people could still be in the process of becoming what they want to look like. I personally prefer to hear others’ honest impressions, in order to understand how to better change, if I so desire. I guess there’s a need for both feedback and validation, and I prefer that each person give of what they actually have to give, what they actually do think.
To OP:
OP, stay strong, it sounds like you’re making some tough decisions, based on your living conditions. I do think that, if you can’t actually come out as a trans woman, coming out as a femboy might make you go through 2 easier, but still difficult situations, rather than one very difficult one. Coming out is never over anyway, and details always change in one’s life, but do the best your senses tell you you can do, they’re usually your best bet, since you know your life. Your gut can take a lot more information in to make a decision, than other people can, or even your logical side can. You sound like you have the perseverance for this. Good luck, and have fun with your journey!
Fair point. I guess I was using femininity and femme interchangably without realizing it. Not all women express their femininity through being femme.
If you’re looking for tips on femme styling or makeup, I can maybe help you out. I’ve somehow come to terms with, and even like, how femme I’ve made this later in life 6ft frame of an ogre.
Ok yeah, I have absolutely no idea where to start other than a feel of how “some ways to put my hair up make me euphoric”, so I’d love to talk about it. The styling specifically. I don’t have make up and it’s scary 🥲
Thats totally valid. Makeup scared me even though I used some during my “maybe I’m just a falmboyant man” phase. If you ever do feel comfortable giving 1-2 things a try in the makeup Dept. then I would recommend buying a 12-16$ mascara from your local drugstore. Mascara on the eyelashes goes such a long way into femme for how little it is.
What length of hair are you working with?
Pretty long. Curliness makes it not show its full length, and it still hangs below the shoulders. Brushed straight, it just about reaches the end of the ribcage
And what kind of styles/scenes are you trying to fit?
Relevant XKCD
I have absolutely 0 idea, I don’t know how to name nearly any style whatsoever.
I need at least a bit of plausible deniability, at least for going outside, because my town is pretty backwards.
Even my favourite way of putting it up in the house alone, which is in a 10-15-degrees-above-horizontal ponytail, but sideways instead of backwards, which makes me feel really cute, is not really a style I can wear outside.
I guess the feeling I’d like to get, is this, being cute and bubbly.
Honestly, now that I think about it, my expectation to wear these outside before you even tell me, is dumb. Just gimme the cutest, girliest, bubbliest style(s?) you got, for exploration and euphoria.
🥺 i hope you are able to find a way out.
You may be safe exploring some androgynous/unisex emo/punk expressions. The whole “Man with long hair” look is common enough that signaling a few “Hippie” or Hipster or maybe emo/punk themes (I.E. dark hair, dark clothes,or even monochromatic clothes, etc) should more than “cover” you.
For something just around the house in private, I’d actually recommend going to a thrift shop and finding inexpensive clothing that fits you. Some thrifts won’t let you try things on, so when the “hold it up” method doesn’t help, coming with your correct measurements will make things go smoothly. Also, in the event your safety is coming into question, ditching your clothes when they’re thrifts at least reduces the financial trauma.
Good luck, stay safe!
Thanks, the thrift idea is probably pretty good. And, as long as something is inside my house, it’s plenty safe, so I don’t worry about that.
My actual style, slowly is shifting towards a style between punk and hippie that does exist here (we have a couple of… I think in English they’re called squats? Occupations? People take over public buildings for protest, and live in them long term as small semi-communes), with long hair, loose-fitting short sleeved dress shirts, short jeans and piercings.
To be perfectly honest with you, my masc expression is enjoyable as fuck.
But, maybe, for that reason, and because of my sense of what non-binary is… This “slight femininity” is not feminine to me. It’s a well balanced, healthy masculinity.
And I love this part of myself.
Probably slightly oversharing rant
And at the same time, I wanna dye the tips of my hair pink. I wanna skirt go spinny. I want the interesting, chaotic, enormous variety that girl clothes have. And dresses. I want a damned nipple piercing, without being scared of how much it shows through clothes. I wanna be able to hug people without feeling self-conscious, either like I’m inappropriate and invading, or like I’m “socially not understanding the rules” and “not acting like a man”.
So yeah. I’m more struggling with gender roles, than aesthetics themselves. But god knows I’d enjoy playing around with the simple joys of it all, in my home at least.
Thanks for the recommendations and the site, by the way!
OMG thank you so much that was so kind and informative 💜💜💜
And yeah I agree having people that know about your gender identity tell you that you look fem without justification feels like they’re just trying to please you. In that sense not being out as a trans woman is great because people comment on your femininity and you know it’s genuine even though it can be used as an insult (call me a lesser man I’ll nearly enjoy it lmao).
And yeah hang in there Hugu it’s not easy, I’m sure you’ll look the way you want soon enough!💜 Can I ask if you are considering HRT?
Really kind comment, thanks a lot! ☺️💜
Yeah, I am considering it, when I get some more financial stability.
Specifically, about a new-ish (read: not very well researched yet) hormone, which has estrogen effects all over the body (and mentally), except the breasts where is produces significantly reduced growth (I think F1nn5ter is using it for his transition and was talking about it, though I didn’t learn about it from him so I don’t know what he said). (Imma look for its name later, and come back to write it if it’s hard to find)
I think it’s SERM’s, sounds cool! Good luck on your journey :)
That is correct, I remember the discourse and comparison between raloxifene and tamoxifen. Their existence sounds very cool.
Thanks a lot!