sad relationship and maybe gender stuff; idk the rules here these days
I think Hexbear was the first place where I posted about getting into a relationship over 3 years ago, so it’s only fitting I post here about its end. Oh my god I was so happy…
Without getting into too much - I was needy and very annoying about it but still had real, normal needs. She grew to be quite dismissive, if understandably exhausted by it all. I thought we could continue working towards stuff, but when I came offering something between more space and a break on Monday, she ended things saying she didn’t want to leave me in limbo.
Still feeling a lot of love, I find myself missing everything. There are memories that evoke feelings I don’t know if I’ll ever get anywhere else. And while in my reflections and conversations with supportive folks I find a lot of weird shit I tolerated too long, even now I only believe we could’ve kept growing together. I want to keep being hers, but I’m not. It all just feels so impossible with everything we’ve shared and given each other.
Many things stick out in my head from our time together. Among them - an excited message from her about monthly “inspections” once I got on HRT. I only got as far as 21 days. I won’t get to actually feel like a woman with the person I’ve loved most on this earth. I won’t get to surprise her with this blue dress I got for Valentine’s Day or our anniversary next March. I won’t get to wear her birth flower necklace and never take it off like I planned.
A good thing that’s come out of this week, at least - for someone who feels routinely abandoned by others, I have a ton of wonderful, supportive people in my life. Friends, classmates, coworkers, teachers, family - everyone has shown up in ways I never could’ve expected. Her voice is the one I still keep desperately wanting to hear, but literally everyone else who has touched my life recently has reached out to catch me. It’s both the best and worst I’ve ever felt. And I think I’ll be safe when it’s time to come out, so there’s still that to look forward to.
I’ll do my best to hold onto all that, but it’s gonna be tough.
sad relationship and maybe gender stuff; idk the rules here these days
I think Hexbear was the first place where I posted about getting into a relationship over 3 years ago, so it’s only fitting I post here about its end. Oh my god I was so happy…
Without getting into too much - I was needy and very annoying about it but still had real, normal needs. She grew to be quite dismissive, if understandably exhausted by it all. I thought we could continue working towards stuff, but when I came offering something between more space and a break on Monday, she ended things saying she didn’t want to leave me in limbo.
Still feeling a lot of love, I find myself missing everything. There are memories that evoke feelings I don’t know if I’ll ever get anywhere else. And while in my reflections and conversations with supportive folks I find a lot of weird shit I tolerated too long, even now I only believe we could’ve kept growing together. I want to keep being hers, but I’m not. It all just feels so impossible with everything we’ve shared and given each other.
Many things stick out in my head from our time together. Among them - an excited message from her about monthly “inspections” once I got on HRT. I only got as far as 21 days. I won’t get to actually feel like a woman with the person I’ve loved most on this earth. I won’t get to surprise her with this blue dress I got for Valentine’s Day or our anniversary next March. I won’t get to wear her birth flower necklace and never take it off like I planned.
A good thing that’s come out of this week, at least - for someone who feels routinely abandoned by others, I have a ton of wonderful, supportive people in my life. Friends, classmates, coworkers, teachers, family - everyone has shown up in ways I never could’ve expected. Her voice is the one I still keep desperately wanting to hear, but literally everyone else who has touched my life recently has reached out to catch me. It’s both the best and worst I’ve ever felt. And I think I’ll be safe when it’s time to come out, so there’s still that to look forward to.
I’ll do my best to hold onto all that, but it’s gonna be tough.