So, I have friends that, in this capitalist world, they are forced to often be very busy and have little time to socialize with me. Although sometimes, I wonder if it’s because they secretly hate me. But yet, at the same time, when they do message back, they always apologize to me for not messaging back, and they never have anything bad to say about me.
Often, I fear that, every time someone says they don’t hate me, they are actually lying. I for one, can’t see why they are so fond of me, and I can’t think of any positive things to say about myself. I am boring. I am going into accounting, and I have Autism. My special interest is in Fairy Tale Retellings and making them better than that of Disney.
My friends never seem to have a bad thing to say about me, and yet, they are so busy that, if they do have a lover, or other friends, I am often seeming to be on the backburner, or at least that’s what it feels like.
So thus, I am forced to go often weeks without talking to another human being, where I am too shy to make any kind of conversation with anyone. I often spend my days talking to myself, having theoretical conversations with myself and my several imaginary friends. To pretend that someone would be fond of me, unless my online friends actually are fond of myself.
Either way, the gist of is… is that I seem to be suffering from the void of capitalism, it’s uncaring, heartless nature, and that it seems to be consuming the free time of my online friends.
So what do you think? Could they secretly hate me, or is my mind starting to finally crack from being lonely, friendless and loveless my entire life (I am 24 and had no friends until last year)?
It could mean that, but mostly I think people just burn up their social energy at their jobs and it takes concerted effort to organise social engagements, which people only really reserve for people they’re actively very excited to see.
Unfortunately, you do have to stick your neck out a lot and say “Oh, can I come to that?” and not rely on others to extend the invite. But also accept the rejection if they’re like “Oh, this is for friends of this person” or “Nah, it’s date night”. It stings, I have shut myself off for years avoiding the feeling. idk
It does sound like you’re hideously depressed though, not that I have any solutions for that.
I am also not entirely sure how to build up proper community in “adult” life. In university, I felt like between classes and tutorials I could flit over to a student club and shoot shit for an hour or two every day, but now my lunch break feels only long enough to microwave a meal and get back to work (and is nowhere near the friends I have made). Clubs and community things are like… A once a month deal, heavily depending on how far away they are. Living in a house-share situation means I’m cagey about just inviting anyone over, let alone a large-ish group on the regular. The main socialist hubs require way too much time to get to and after work I just want to sleep.
Fairytale retellings can be fun, play ravenswatch, seek out local sci-fi/fantasy club maybe.