There’s a difference between heterosexuality and heteronormativity. There’s the orientation, which in itself would be neutral, and there’s the cultural practice, which does not care about couples being happy, but about enforcing the class nature of gender as a societally instrumentalized distribution of labor. As queer people, we are used to having to figure things out for ourselves and building our own views on identity, desire and relationships from the ground up. Straight people grow up fitting into a culture that tells them how to be, how to want and how to love, which inevitably leads to failure, because this includes an oppositional sexism that molds men and women into irreconcilable opposites of each other. When men are from Mars and women are from Venus, everybody ends up married to an alien. All working straight relationships i’ve seen fall outside of this norm, and the partners in them have usually both had to do some thorough self crit in regards to what they want out of a relationship and what they are willing to give, normally after several catastrophically failed attempts in the past. And i don’t find it surprising at all that most men in these relationships are closer to lesbians than to other straight guys in what they want in a woman, what they find attractive and how they want things to run in their relationship.
good post. I struggled in earlier relationships and, looking back, feel like most of the conflict was driven by the discrepancy of unspoken buy-in for cultural expectations of our roles, with which we had both been indoctrinated.
Oh, absolutely. Libs who don’t bat an eye when they learn i’m trans immediately go into this defensive “that would never work for me” mode when i mention i’m poly, and really struggle with the idea that anybody could be fine with non-monogamy.
Reading theory, becoming a leftist, and self- crit were intertwined with working on becoming a better partner for me. So many heteronormative brain worms to dig out from growing up
There’s a difference between heterosexuality and heteronormativity. There’s the orientation, which in itself would be neutral, and there’s the cultural practice, which does not care about couples being happy, but about enforcing the class nature of gender as a societally instrumentalized distribution of labor. As queer people, we are used to having to figure things out for ourselves and building our own views on identity, desire and relationships from the ground up. Straight people grow up fitting into a culture that tells them how to be, how to want and how to love, which inevitably leads to failure, because this includes an oppositional sexism that molds men and women into irreconcilable opposites of each other. When men are from Mars and women are from Venus, everybody ends up married to an alien. All working straight relationships i’ve seen fall outside of this norm, and the partners in them have usually both had to do some thorough self crit in regards to what they want out of a relationship and what they are willing to give, normally after several catastrophically failed attempts in the past. And i don’t find it surprising at all that most men in these relationships are closer to lesbians than to other straight guys in what they want in a woman, what they find attractive and how they want things to run in their relationship.
good post. I struggled in earlier relationships and, looking back, feel like most of the conflict was driven by the discrepancy of unspoken buy-in for cultural expectations of our roles, with which we had both been indoctrinated.
Damn, I was just making a funny whilst pooping. I didn’t expect this.
Thank you, t’was a good read
yeah, you’re not allowed to explore and figure out what you want, you’re suppose to make permanent commitments only or nothing ever.
That fucking book did so much damage to our collective psyche, I’m glad it’s finally started to fade from consciousness.
Oh no! My smooth himbo brain grew a wrinkle!
Monogamy vs non-monogamy is another axis of this, where people often find their unexamined assumptions challenged.
Oh, absolutely. Libs who don’t bat an eye when they learn i’m trans immediately go into this defensive “that would never work for me” mode when i mention i’m poly, and really struggle with the idea that anybody could be fine with non-monogamy.
My favorite is “I knew a poly couple and they broke up (but nevermind all the monogamous people who broke up)”
Reading theory, becoming a leftist, and self- crit were intertwined with working on becoming a better partner for me. So many heteronormative brain worms to dig out from growing up