I FUCKING HATE CAPITALISM THE WORLD IS FUCKING BURNING AND NOBODY GIVES A SHIT

I’m lonely. I broke up with my partner Valentine’s Day before last (found out she was cheating on me!). Turned 30 late last year, I work from home, and I’m not super outgoing y’know? I haven’t tried online dating since 2017 prior to this and it just sucks. It’s awful. It’s so hard to get a sense of a person on there so it ends up not being very successful. I’m sick of being in my apartment like fucking Rapunzel in the tower.

I’m a skilled fuckin mason. But I’ve put my notice in so I’m being given all the shit jobs on my last week. The past three days I’ve been descaling parts of the wall. What’s descaling you ask? Going over the entire wall with a hand brush and a wire brush, knocking off all the loose bits. Meanwhile their star mason is installing stones with ledges so big you could hang a fuckin coffee cup off em, and totally missing mortar on entire stones. Literally just plop em on the wall and keep going. Fuck this place, and fuck Bob specifically.

I am so angry. I am so sick and tired of just stating my experiences as a woman and having people who are not women straight up tell me that I’m wrong. About my own life experiences. It’s fucking exhausting to be surrounded on all sides by bad faith actors, knowing full well that you won’t get through to them, and feeling defeated, like the world is going backwards and you can feel your rights being torn away from you bit by bit, trying desperately to stand up for yourself and having any words you say fall on deaf ears. I’m so sick of not being listened to. I’m so sick of not being believed. I am so fucking sick of not being respected. I just want to be treated like a human and not be criticised for literally just fucking existing.

I’m so done.

I am absolutely exhausted with me and my kid’s ADHD. My wife is always upset at us because we can’t remember shit and I’ve spent my life feeling guilty because nobody will ever just give me a break.

I’m expected to be “on” at all times and I just can’t do it forever. Sometimes I just need to do things my own, likely inefficient way, but at least at home it usually ends in being berated because I didn’t do it “the right way”.

It’s so insanely demoralizing. I don’t even want to bother trying at anything because it will only be met with derision. What’s even the point. Fuck it all.

Shit like that is why I still dream of disappearing forever to be alone and just left to my own devices.

Thanks for letting me vent. Just so tired.

I’ve been trying to get assessed for ADHD for almost a month now, and the therapist i’ve been trying to schedule with has been dragging their feet for WEEKS.

Both my brother and father have ADHD, my brother was diagnosed when he was a teenager but my dad was diagnosed in his 50s (I am 30). I work from home, which works great and I have no regrets, but when I get distracted, i get distracted HARD. I am constantly getting up, I have about 60 tabs open on multiple monitors, about every 30 seconds I think “I should look at xy or z” and open a new tab. When i’m not working, I have to have 2 or 3 things on at a time (read social media app redacted, have a tv show on, play with my dog, ect), and I have constant decision block in choosing how to spend my free time. It’s getting to the point where I’m up until 2am or worse towards the end of every deadline. I have a bunch of side projects I really want to dig into, but I can’t seem to maintain focus on any of them.

My insurance covers the costs of therapy but only within network, so I feel a little hamstrung to use this therapist because they’re the closest to me and have great reviews and seem to have an approach I would appreciate, but JESUS CHRIST just respond to my fucking emails! To add to the stress, I feel very self conscious of the perception I might be fishing for drugs, and ever time I send a follow up email i feel like i’m making it look like I don’t really need help.

I feel like i’m failing my wife, and my employer, and my friends, and I just want some help so I can get my life a little more in control. It’s exhausting.

I don’t know what the heck to do with my life.
I should be happy I finished my major but Im not, Ive been depressed and confused ever since.
It seems like most of the “typical career paths” for my profession are not for me and my attempts to do something a bit different are met with really strange looks from my peers, my friends, my family and my coworkers.

I’ve completely given up on finding someone to spend my life with. I’m 27m and I have nothing to offer outside of love. Every girl I’m even slightly attracted to already has a boyfriend. I’m not unattractive but I have resting bitch face and I’m intimidating. I’ve lived my whole life with people being afraid of me which fuels my need for companionship. I know I’m not owed anything from anyone but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t still hurt.

Anymore I’ve just accepted that I’m going to die alone because I’m only going to be wanted for what I can provide when I just want to be fucking loved. My own family doesn’t even love me. All they can talk about is how I’m not good enough or I’m not applying myself correctly.

I hate being a man…

I have to take care of a 3 year old with pink eye giving her antibiotic eye drops 4 times a day for a week. It’s like wrangling a greased screaming pig. She doesn’t sleep though the night from the coughing, so i dont sleep through the night. I’m all alone while my spouse is on a work trip for 2 weeks, so he gets to miss out on all of this start to finish! No daycare or taekwondo so I can get a break! No family or support! All me all alone with a shit eyed toddler and no sleep for 2 weeks straight. That’s on top of all the other agonizing responsibilities haunting me every day. I’m so tired, 10 days left…

I’m at a crossroads in life where I need to start making large and impactful decisions about my future. It’s a very lonely place to be.

Will my long term relationship last?

Do I want it to?

Will I try to stay in this (IRL) community?

Do I want to?

Will I stay in this career path?

Can I afford not to?

Etc.

Usually I’d talk to my partner about all this, but because our relationship is also part of my issues, I feel like I can’t. So as a result… I’m feeling lonely and overwhelmed.

I watched my grandfather die last night after months of him battling ALS. I’ve already accepted his death years ago and I know he’s at peace now so it’s okay.

But the fact I can’t explain to my dog that she should stop looking for him and waiting for him to walk through the door tears me up inside.

I’m sick and tired of working for other people. Having to take PTO to do literally anything you want to do on a weekday is so fucked, and I’m one of the lucky people (who works PST while in EST). Corporate policies and politics truly do run rampant through every company, and I just need to keep working on products until one becomes sustainable long-term.

Feel like that’s the key to financial and physical freedom - making the next big thing, then getting it to a solid state and just doing gradual improvements. Don’t pull a spez, don’t piss people off and don’t add too many new features after a while or you’ll kill what you have. And for the love of GOD, don’t go public.

IPO’ing and going public are what kill companies with great things running for them, simply due to the “keep growing every day until the company inevitably collapses” mindset.

The entirety of the first few pages of my subscription feed are all posts about Sync for Reddit and about the Logitech controller used in the submersible.

The threadiverse has gaping fundamental flaws in its implementation. It will of course get better over time. But damn. This isn’t great.

My manager is in meetings all the time but has a big ego so they have had no time to view my work but they ABSOLUTELY insist that they know exactly what I’ve done and that it needs to be better.

Bitch all the things he’s complaining about I’ve already done but it’s impossible to get a word in.

poolitics <leaving the typo> - just… ugh, all of it!