A lot of them want a partner who they can be emotionally intimate with, not just someone to fuck. A simple proof that doesn’t involve us both needing to look at their forums is that they have a popular acronym “KHHV,” or “kissless, hand-holdless virgin” which I think is used partly to emphasize their literal distance from women, but also to communicate closeness they are lacking besides the sex.
The level of intimacy they yearn for is created over months, the sex is usually much earlier. So perhaps part of the problem is that they mentally have the cart before the horse, the order of things that are supposed to happen is incorrect in their heads and therefore they fail the whole dating thing because it doesn’t match with the material reality and issues occur interacting with others over this.
The second thing, as I mention in my dumb rant in this thread, is that incel communities are highly predatory cults. They prey on the mentally ill, racial minorities (particularly Asians), and literal children. They take your trauma** and convince you that it’s just what the world is for someone like you. It’s not about whether you can objectively access sex (again, escorts exist), it’s about hating yourself and, through that, hating everyone outside of your new group of “allies”.
Yes I agree with the cult aspect.
Also, like, nothing against kink, but a fair number of people – especially the sexually inexperienced – are really not into basically any of it. Also I think the huge number of subs is more a gay community thing (I’ve been told there’s a top shortage), but I wouldn’t know since I’m one of those vanilla hets.
Yeah so they yearn for a specific kind of traditionally romantic relationship, probably learned from patriarchal television, movies and dramas, which doesn’t actually spontaneously exist in the real modern world anymore outside of teenagers or rare random occurrences of two people with chemistry hitting it off. And even then the two people with chemistry get down to fucking before they get down to any kind of deeply involved romantic intimacy after months of building emotional bonds and closeness.
The other side of this is that they’re so misogynistic how the fuck do they expect to get that romantically close to someone before they realise how awful they are?
The other side of this is that they’re so misogynistic how the fuck do they expect to get that romantically close to someone before they realise how awful they are?
they’re stuck in a doom loop of terrible self esteem and self fulfilling prophecy. Anyone from the outside looking in can look at the situation and say “Why don’t you just?” but they’re trainwrecks, they probably need therapy to escape it. Well that probably works for like pre-2010 normal teenager who is scared of girls and can’t get laid type of situation, now we have the fent of inceldom thanks to 4chan or whatever started it. Probably need some sort of detox from the internet plus therapy.
I wouldn’t really know since I’ve only ever had “traditional” relationships, but I’m pretty sure they still exist. Most of the people I know (which is now mid twenties at the youngest up to near 40) are in romantic relationships or want to be, it’s not just hook-ups out there. Like, don’t get me wrong, thinking about how to find a way to get into a romantic relationship again makes me want to CW, but that’s partly because it was already really difficult for someone like me and it’s getting more difficult as I get older . . . Anyway, of all the things we can blame them for, I think not wanting to fuck men and now wanting to, idk, whip and step on people? is really it. Incidentally, one of the veins of discourse in the incel community is basically doing conversion therapy to become gay because they believe that it’s way easier on average for a dude to get laid if he’s gay. I’ve never seen someone report that the converted themselves, though.
The other side of this is that they’re so misogynistic how the fuck do they expect to get that romantically close to someone before they realise how awful they are?
Well, they didn’t become such sickos until after they already had their negative experiences, at which point they’ve usually given up and made sexual frustration their religion. There’s no contradiction in this specific point, even if there’s a lot of short-sightedness, dehumanization, reaction, etc.
Edit:
The level of intimacy they yearn for is created over months, the sex is usually much earlier. So perhaps part of the problem is that they mentally have the cart before the horse, the order of things that are supposed to happen is incorrect in their heads and therefore they fail the whole dating thing because it doesn’t match with the material reality and issues occur interacting with others over this.
Not to keep playing reverse “Spot the Contradiction,” but you need to remember that these are people who generally have never had a girlfriend. Period. They might get a first date or two and then get ghosted. In the context of a first date, do you think that for a het woman, a man more interested in emotionality than sex is somehow a red flag? Like yeah, if he’s trauma dumping to you while you’re at the diner and you don’t even really know him, that’s probably not gonna fly, but if anything I would think emotionality that is somewhat in check and deprioritizing sex would be considered substantial positives for these guys as candidates. Unfortunately for them, most of them never even got that far and the other ones found some other way (probably prioritizing sex in many cases) to fuck it up.
I wouldn’t really know since I’ve only ever had “traditional” relationships, but I’m pretty sure they still exist. Most of the people I know (which is now mid twenties at the youngest up to near 40) are in romantic relationships or want to be, it’s not just hook-ups out there. Like, don’t get me wrong, thinking about how to find a way to get into a romantic relationship again makes me want to CW, but that’s partly because it was already really difficult for someone like me and it’s getting more difficult as I get older . . .
I think you’ve misunderstood me. When I say “traditional” I mean like, this fairytail of many weeks/months of dating before sexy time. It just isn’t how it actually works in the real world anymore. People are making out and rubbing bits together within the first few days/week or they’re moving on.
The intimacy and romance is built alongside the physicality. If it exists.
There’s an unwritten rule about not being too clingy during that time, and if the two people fall for each other then they do, but also you have to not be too clingy too quickly or else it becomes massively unattractive. This is a major hurdle for incels because of course they’re massively insecure and that same insecurity causes them to massively overthink everything and become far too emotionally attached too quickly to the point that it makes the other person uncomfortable how they’re being.
Incidentally, one of the veins of discourse in the incel community is basically doing conversion therapy to become gay because they believe that it’s way easier on average for a dude to get laid if he’s gay. I’ve never seen someone report that the converted themselves, though.
I don’t think it’s easier to get laid if you’re gay. I think it’s easier to get laid if you’re into kink and that community happens to almost entirely crossover with kink due to comfort with exploration.
Not to keep playing reverse “Spot the Contradiction,” but you need to remember that these are people who generally have never had a girlfriend. Period. They might get a first date or two and then get ghosted. In the context of a first date, do you think that for a het woman, a man more interested in emotionality than sex is somehow a red flag?
No.
Like yeah, if he’s trauma dumping to you while you’re at the diner and you don’t even really know him, that’s probably not gonna fly
This is practically all of them. They will all tell you just how much life has it out for them with practically no prompting, and it’s deeply offputting to most people.
but if anything I would think emotionality that is somewhat in check and deprioritizing sex would be considered substantial positives for these guys as candidates
It would be, if they could get their incredible insecurity in check or at least successfully hide it for long enough for someone to see the real person they are.
However, one of the problems with insecurity is that it controls you in a way that causes you to act differently. It holds you back, it makes you not say things, or say things you shouldn’t, it causes acting out, etc etc. If you can remove insecurity from the situation you end up with a completely different person, one that is attractive assuming they don’t say some women-hating bullshit.
this fairytail of many weeks/months of dating before sexy time. It just isn’t how it actually works in the real world anymore. People are making out and rubbing bits together within the first few days/week or they’re moving on.
News to demis. Just because our fairy nature gives us powers of invisibility we don’t entirely control, doesn’t mean we don’t have a presence in your real world!
Yeah, it’s easy in high school and even easier as an undergrad, but there’s a precipitous drop immediately after that, at least for me (though I have to imagine it applies to many other people).
The level of intimacy they yearn for is created over months, the sex is usually much earlier. So perhaps part of the problem is that they mentally have the cart before the horse, the order of things that are supposed to happen is incorrect in their heads and therefore they fail the whole dating thing because it doesn’t match with the material reality and issues occur interacting with others over this.
How? Why is this the case? I’ve thought for such a long time that people in general would prefer to wait for emotional intimacy before engaging in sex for a long-term relationship. When did it become like this?
I think in the past various religious values used to impress a certain amount of prudishness and resistance to sexual relations such that romantic feelings would develop before physicality. Whereas these days those values and the “save yourself for the one you love” attitude fell by the wayside as a result of secularism.
Add on top of that the fact that everyone is horny af and that’s mostly normalised as fine and ok and well there you have it. People get physical fairly quickly, within the first 1-14 days, whereas love takes months to develop or people put up barriers to actively avoid developing those romantic feelings after previous negative experiences (self preservation after how much it hurt).
I’m speaking strictly of the west here of course, I don’t have enough experience outside of it to say how different things might be elsewhere. I would expect things trend in the same direction outside of the religiously-led countries though.
Biology happens, and I’d still tell people, after significant experience with that: spend the time getting to know someone before sexing them. That hormone rush wears off after about three months, and it’s not great to find out you really don’t actually like a person you’re already sleeping with.
Most people really aren’t willing to wait that long before engaging in anything physical. I suspect that people probably suffer a sort of relationship fomo in that they’re worried someone else will snag them if they don’t start.
The level of intimacy they yearn for is created over months, the sex is usually much earlier. So perhaps part of the problem is that they mentally have the cart before the horse, the order of things that are supposed to happen is incorrect in their heads and therefore they fail the whole dating thing because it doesn’t match with the material reality and issues occur interacting with others over this.
Yes I agree with the cult aspect.
Yeah so they yearn for a specific kind of traditionally romantic relationship, probably learned from patriarchal television, movies and dramas, which doesn’t actually spontaneously exist in the real modern world anymore outside of teenagers or rare random occurrences of two people with chemistry hitting it off. And even then the two people with chemistry get down to fucking before they get down to any kind of deeply involved romantic intimacy after months of building emotional bonds and closeness.
The other side of this is that they’re so misogynistic how the fuck do they expect to get that romantically close to someone before they realise how awful they are?
they’re stuck in a doom loop of terrible self esteem and self fulfilling prophecy. Anyone from the outside looking in can look at the situation and say “Why don’t you just?” but they’re trainwrecks, they probably need therapy to escape it. Well that probably works for like pre-2010 normal teenager who is scared of girls and can’t get laid type of situation, now we have the fent of inceldom thanks to 4chan or whatever started it. Probably need some sort of detox from the internet plus therapy.
:idiot-doom-spiral:
I used to play bass for Idiot Doom Spiral
I wouldn’t really know since I’ve only ever had “traditional” relationships, but I’m pretty sure they still exist. Most of the people I know (which is now mid twenties at the youngest up to near 40) are in romantic relationships or want to be, it’s not just hook-ups out there. Like, don’t get me wrong, thinking about how to find a way to get into a romantic relationship again makes me want to CW, but that’s partly because it was already really difficult for someone like me and it’s getting more difficult as I get older . . . Anyway, of all the things we can blame them for, I think not wanting to fuck men and now wanting to, idk, whip and step on people? is really it. Incidentally, one of the veins of discourse in the incel community is basically doing conversion therapy to become gay because they believe that it’s way easier on average for a dude to get laid if he’s gay. I’ve never seen someone report that the converted themselves, though.
Well, they didn’t become such sickos until after they already had their negative experiences, at which point they’ve usually given up and made sexual frustration their religion. There’s no contradiction in this specific point, even if there’s a lot of short-sightedness, dehumanization, reaction, etc.
Edit:
Not to keep playing reverse “Spot the Contradiction,” but you need to remember that these are people who generally have never had a girlfriend. Period. They might get a first date or two and then get ghosted. In the context of a first date, do you think that for a het woman, a man more interested in emotionality than sex is somehow a red flag? Like yeah, if he’s trauma dumping to you while you’re at the diner and you don’t even really know him, that’s probably not gonna fly, but if anything I would think emotionality that is somewhat in check and deprioritizing sex would be considered substantial positives for these guys as candidates. Unfortunately for them, most of them never even got that far and the other ones found some other way (probably prioritizing sex in many cases) to fuck it up.
I think you’ve misunderstood me. When I say “traditional” I mean like, this fairytail of many weeks/months of dating before sexy time. It just isn’t how it actually works in the real world anymore. People are making out and rubbing bits together within the first few days/week or they’re moving on.
The intimacy and romance is built alongside the physicality. If it exists.
There’s an unwritten rule about not being too clingy during that time, and if the two people fall for each other then they do, but also you have to not be too clingy too quickly or else it becomes massively unattractive. This is a major hurdle for incels because of course they’re massively insecure and that same insecurity causes them to massively overthink everything and become far too emotionally attached too quickly to the point that it makes the other person uncomfortable how they’re being.
I don’t think it’s easier to get laid if you’re gay. I think it’s easier to get laid if you’re into kink and that community happens to almost entirely crossover with kink due to comfort with exploration.
No.
This is practically all of them. They will all tell you just how much life has it out for them with practically no prompting, and it’s deeply offputting to most people.
It would be, if they could get their incredible insecurity in check or at least successfully hide it for long enough for someone to see the real person they are.
However, one of the problems with insecurity is that it controls you in a way that causes you to act differently. It holds you back, it makes you not say things, or say things you shouldn’t, it causes acting out, etc etc. If you can remove insecurity from the situation you end up with a completely different person, one that is attractive assuming they don’t say some women-hating bullshit.
News to demis. Just because our fairy nature gives us powers of invisibility we don’t entirely control, doesn’t mean we don’t have a presence in your real world!
like how old? I guess it’s never easier than like early 20’s
Yeah, it’s easy in high school and even easier as an undergrad, but there’s a precipitous drop immediately after that, at least for me (though I have to imagine it applies to many other people).
How? Why is this the case? I’ve thought for such a long time that people in general would prefer to wait for emotional intimacy before engaging in sex for a long-term relationship. When did it become like this?
I think in the past various religious values used to impress a certain amount of prudishness and resistance to sexual relations such that romantic feelings would develop before physicality. Whereas these days those values and the “save yourself for the one you love” attitude fell by the wayside as a result of secularism.
Add on top of that the fact that everyone is horny af and that’s mostly normalised as fine and ok and well there you have it. People get physical fairly quickly, within the first 1-14 days, whereas love takes months to develop or people put up barriers to actively avoid developing those romantic feelings after previous negative experiences (self preservation after how much it hurt).
I’m speaking strictly of the west here of course, I don’t have enough experience outside of it to say how different things might be elsewhere. I would expect things trend in the same direction outside of the religiously-led countries though.
Biology happens, and I’d still tell people, after significant experience with that: spend the time getting to know someone before sexing them. That hormone rush wears off after about three months, and it’s not great to find out you really don’t actually like a person you’re already sleeping with.
Most people really aren’t willing to wait that long before engaging in anything physical. I suspect that people probably suffer a sort of relationship fomo in that they’re worried someone else will snag them if they don’t start.
Yes. After significant experience with that, I would say that’s the difference between desperation and confidence.
To illustrate, desperation = pick me, confidence = I’m enough.