Feelings I had for my classmate were obviously one-sided (pretty sure of it), so I made a reasonable decision to never confess to not make things awkward. In a few years since we graduated I finally moved on, although I never loved anyone this much since.
Yet all this time I had a desire to tell her about them. I would definitely want to know if someone loved me this much ever. Would she? I don’t know. I don’t even know if she is in a relationship right now or not.
I would really want to cite some scientific study that “Over 80% of girls have their self-confidence lifted after being told they were secretly admired (p<0.05)”, but can’t find one.
If you’re honest with yourself - really, really honest - you will see that your desire to tell them is motivated by your own vanity and desire for attention. You’re doubtless imagining some big scene in which either they fall into your arms or in which you get to stride off into the sunset as some kind of noble self-sacrificing hero while they wonder what might have been. Don’t fall into that trap. It’s childish, and it’s selfish, and it’s getting into some really dodgy territory that ends with the manosphere and incels and all that. Just keep your counsel, and move on.
I’m horrified and appalled by how the community perceived my intentions; at large, judging by the number of votes on comments in the conversation below, placing no doubt in them being nothing more than sick and twisted desire for attention.
The formula as I see it in my head is quite simple. I would want to hear this said to me; it would make my day; wouldn’t they want to hear it just as much? I waited for long enough that no special feelings are currently present.
I would want to hear this said to me; it would make my day;
then tell yourself and leave the other person to their fucking life.
Tell her the day after you no longer feel the need to
“I used to have a big crush on you” totally legit, playful, good way to see if she was ever into you.
“I used to love you” that’s weird. If you’re still friends don’t you still love her at least platonicly? The explanations you’ve been giving in this thread can only make the situation more strange and more awkward. Love means a lot of things to a lot of people so it’s a weird word to use in the past tense about a friend you used to also be attracted to.
No.
Dude, let’s be real here. She doesn’t share the same feelings for you, and never did.
She won’t think this is cute. She won’t think this is romantic. She won’t see you in a better light. Move on. Doing stuff like this, are the cringe things that annoy women.
Just move on. This isn’t high school, so why do you wanna continue being the awkward high school guy? She’s not you’re freakin soulmate. lol
Focus on finding the right person for you and stop tripping over stuff that’s in your rearview mirror.
And for the love of everything holy and unholy, stop doing awkward shit like this! Your post is cringe enough, but hey, at least you are thinking before you do it. But your posts, are making me think you haven’t changed at all.
I read your post out to my gf just now, and she rolled her eyes and said, “Oh god, one of those guys. Is he an incel?” Then laughed.
I’m not saying you are, but most people are gonna have the same reaction. OP, you are way too old to be acting like an awkward teen. Stop.
And for the love of everything holy and unholy, stop doing awkward shit like this! Your post is cringe enough, but hey, at least you are thinking before you do it. But your posts, are making me think you haven’t changed at all.
You mean comments?
Changed compared to what anchor point?
I read your post out to my gf just now, and she rolled her eyes and said, “Oh god, one of those guys. Is he an incel?” Then laughed.
May I ask what exact part of my post lead to her suspecting I was one (apparently in modern definition)?
You mean comments?
Yes, I meant your replies in this thread. I have no idea what your post history is and no desire or reason to look it up.
May I ask what exact part of my post lead to her suspecting I was one
Just the way you are replying to everything and being overly analytical on everything. You seem to be trying to attack this problem like a programmer who is programming something. Dude, real life ain’t like that.
I’m sure you already know some of the issues with your personality when it comes to things like this. And I’m sure you have noticed how many of your replies have been downvoted.
You are totally free to do what you want. But many here are giving you good advice based on their more rounded life experience. Yeah, you can go and say it all assumptions, we’re wrong, we don’t get you, we don’t know you, etc.
How much dating experience do you have? I have dated a lot, and I am not a great looking guy. So I have had to depend on my personality to date. And the way your personality comes across in this thread, isn’t one I have ever seen be overly successful when it comes to relationships or social interaction.
But you are right about the fact that we don’t REALLY know you. So let ur freak flag fly and do what you want. You asked for advice, but there is no law that says you have to follow it! :)
Yes, I meant your replies in this thread. I have no idea what your post history is and no desire or reason to look it up.
I assume you have already looked it up after writing that; I would have a temptation. I want to clarify that the post about solar inclination-based geolocation where you were also present was a part of a separate thought process going on for a few days and it being posted close in time was just a coincidence.
Just the way you are replying to everything and being overly analytical on everything. You seem to be trying to attack this problem like a programmer who is programming something. Dude, real life ain’t like that.
I thought “incels” (in modern degradatory definition) were supposed to be emotional guys who hate women because they don’t have feelings they want. Not people who approach dating rationally and try to estimate each other’s feelings using best scientific methods available. Never heard Sheldon Cooper, or Data from TNG being called this way.
BTW, I think you said you read just the post to her before getting this reaction, you never said anything about the comments.
How much dating experience do you have?
None, and I was never accused in being improper in trying to get into one—because I approach the subject rationally. I would never approach anyone in that way until I’m reasonably confident they are interested in me in a sufficient degree. Finding the most compatible person may be a lifetime-long quest, but it pays off at the end.
I did it; it was appreciated.
Someone else did it with me; I appreciated.
Right now it’s weighing on you. When you tell them you are taking the weight off of you and giving it to them to carry.
Meh, why not? It shouldn’t be a big deal, not for her or you, its in the past
I was in love with you, if anything, should he a nice little tid bit to know
Its better than “I hated you”
Don’t do it.
As a general rule, this is a terrible idea. If there are exceptions, it’s clear from your comments that thus is not one of them.
This entire desire is to boost your ego - to validate that your unrequited ‘love’ (crush) made her life better, because you’re such a great guy.
Lwt it go, and grow up a bit more.
This entire desire is to boost your ego
I know it’s not, but I don’t think I have a way to prove the contrary over text correspondence, so think as you want.
Swordgeek has a point - people will have selfish ideas, for selfish reasons. It’s just not very pleasant to have to admit, and therefore people often won’t do it, even to themselves. This makes ulterior motives a lot easier to spot when they’re not your own, and obviously something is up, here.
So if, deep down inside, you happened to be hoping for some kind of self esteem boost or stroked ego… that doesn’t seem very likely. And even if it was, probably not worth bothering a former acquaintance over.
Whatever you were hoping for, you seem pretty hellbent on it - you don’t need to be honest with strangers on lemmy, but might want to re-check your actual motivation here with yourself, because this is stuff that gets creepy real fast.
I would really want to cite some scientific study that “Over 80% of girls have their self-confidence lifted after being told they were secretly admired (p<0.05)”, but can’t find one.
You want something like this because it seems to rationalize the thing you wanted to do anyway. It is not your real reason for wanting to do it, but you’d have some kind of excuse for a thing people are lining up to tell you is a Bad Idea.
You don’t love her. You barely know her. It’s been years, you have no idea what she thinks, what she’s done, what she would do, etc.
What you love is some ideas you have about her.
You never dated her. You never saw what she was like outside of class, at home, at work, with her friends. You don’t know if she’s honest, or cruel. You don’t know what her political beliefs are, or her religion. Would she kick a puppy? Is she an addict? Is she selfish or generous? Is she clean or slovenly? Does she have a partner? Does she have kids? Is she even hetero?
This is all aside from the fact that you’re imagining a connection that you know isn’t there. Telling her has nothing to do with her and everything to do with your own ego.
This way of thinking with the fantasy of loving someone you don’t really know and the idea that your feelings years later are important enough to barge into her life with a confession of love without even finding out who she actually is and what her circumstances are… This is a red flag that even in the incredibly unlikely event that she’s single and into you, you are not going to be good for her.
You don’t love her.
Indeed, no longer I do.
You never saw what she was like outside of class, at home, at work, with her friends.
Bold of you to assume that didn’t happen just because I didn’t mention this in my concise post. We were friends, sometimes hanged out together, were guests at each other birthdays.
Telling her has nothing to do with her and everything to do with your own ego.
…
although I never loved anyone this much since.
Attraction /= love. You did not love her.
Yet all this time I had a desire to tell her about them.
You have a desire to have your attraction to her validated. You are essentially cat calling her but in ultra slow motion.
I would really want to cite some scientific study that “Over 80% of girls have their self-confidence lifted after being told they were secretly admired (p<0.05)”, but can’t find one.
Ya cuz in real life it would be “over 99% of women have experienced mental anguish from being told they were secretly admired.”
Don’t insert yourself into her life, or any woman’s life for that matter, just so you can wag your attraction to her in her face. It’s categorically in the same bucket as unsolicited dick picks. You’re doing it for yourself, not her.
Attraction /= love. You did not love her.
I am pretty much sure my feelings fell under most common definitions of “love”. I wonder what makes you think otherwise.
You have a desire to have your attraction to her validated.
Maybe that is a part of it, but I also want for her to be validated. I, for instance, would be if someone told me this.
Don’t insert yourself into her life, or any woman’s life for that matter, just so you can wag your attraction to her in her face.
From the tone of your post, I feel like you had a pretty bad day. I’m sorry for whatever happened to you, get better soon.
I wonder what makes you think otherwise.
Life experience. You have lot of growing up to do.
Do you mean the only factor you considered is my then-age?
I can testify with great confidence that I wasn’t remarkably attracted to her in a sexual way. In that regard I found her moderately cute, somewhat pretty, and a few girls and boys of our age much more so. My feelings were primarily platonic. They developed over the years and consisted mostly of platonic affection, the romantic attraction was the consequence of it.
Finding someone cute or pretty is not the same as finding someone attractive. For example, Benedict Cumberbatch is definitely not pretty, but I find him quite attractive.
You’re self aware enough to ask the questions but lack the humility to accept the answers.
OP is def looking for bias-confirmation that if they do this it’s all going to magically be perfect and solve all their sadness.
typical internet nonsense
You provided no answer but “my experience tells me so”. No explanation, no proof, nothing. IDK, my experience tells me to reject bare appeals to authorutily, where even the level and source of your authority (age, sociological education maybe) wasn’t something you bothered to explain.
I provided you answers, you’re just not emotionally intelligent enough to recognize them or humble enough to accept them.
Listen.
Don’t tell her.
For your sake.
Good luck. You, specifically, are gonna need it.
I heard and counted your answer. Your answer was prefaced with a personal attack. You tried to invalidate the feelings I had and reflected on for years, the feelings that once motivated me to become a substantially better person, knowing me and the situation from a 726-character post. That personal attack was used as a part of your argument, so I found it reasonable to argue with it. By the number of downvotes, it seems the community largely agrees with the image you’ve got in your head, although I would argue you couldn’t have enough information from my post to make the loud claims you made.
Other people do not know how you feel. It may well be love. But it may not be worth bringing up to her, she may get the wrong impression like others here. I wish society encouraged honesty, but I don’t know what’s best here.
K but I don’t need to telepathically know how they feel when by their own words I can see that they’re conflating attraction with love.
You seem to want to help OP. But you’re actually reenforcing a very unhealthy mindset. Given your admission that you don’t know what’s best here it is rather irresponsible of you to baselessly undermine the consensus.
Some of the people here are family men who actually do know what we’re talking about. To falsely equate your “I don’t know” with experience driven advice, is a disservice to OP.
Men need to be more honestly with themselves about when they’re just being horny.
Some of the people here are family men who actually do know what we’re talking about.
Some of the shit I read on Lemmy always suprises me, until I remember that. lol
I think those of us who actually have been married, have families, and have been in working society for a while are pretty rare here on Lemmy.
The way a lot of posters on here talk, makes me wonder if they have even been in relationships before.
Once ya have kids to provide for, and learn how shit works, perceptions about the world become a lot more realistic and focused.
IMO a big, post-internet, problem is that people aren’t experiencing foundational relationships as children/teens that were the learning experiences to prepare people deeper connections like marriage. People are growing up without learning the ability to trust or discern trustworthiness; and many other things that we can only learn through experience.
As per Maslow’s Pyramid, everyone is overworked and suck in bottom tier survival mode rendering them psychologically incapable of prioritizing emotional and relationship needs. So we get people who see interpersonal situations in black and white with villains and hero’s instead of people.
In understand and agree with what you are saying all in all but you are being a little too harsh in your tone and maybe also in some assumptions about OP, I think. The best advice comes in a form that is digestible for the recipient… If giving advice is what you are doing and not telling OP off, that is. Anyways, as I said, I agree with you but I just felt your were being almost a little unfair 😌
Read back. I wasn’t harsh until OP responded disingenuously.
As far as this person. I specifically dislike when people play devils advocate while knowing they don’t actually know enough. Especially when they’re reenforcing toxic male behaviours towards women.
The person I’m replying to is genuinely doing harm to OP by feeding into their confirmation bias. Lets not forget I’m telling OP not to do something that could have life changing social consequences… especially if they go about it in the socially inept way they present themselves.
Some of the people here are family men who actually do know what we’re talking about. To falsely equate your “I don’t know” with experience driven advice, is a disservice to OP.
Kindly fuck off with your assumptions. When I was young, I chose not to have children because my parents were unable to raise me without traumatic fear and pain, and I never wanted anyone else to feel that.
I love someone, but we are not together and likely never will be.
Would you be upset if someone told you that you don’t love your wife?
Stop pretending to know things you cannot know. Your experience is not everyone’s.
Would you be upset if someone told you that you don’t love your wife?
You? No. My father? yes.
The fact that you think I’m assuming things about your life shows that you’re reacting defensively instead of maturely considering what’s being presented to you.
This person’s advice is comprehensive and correct. You need to accept it. What you’re feeling is not love. Love is something that is built up over years of being in a relationship. No relationship, no love. If what you’re feeling is as strong as you claim, then the correct word would be infatuation, or possibly obsession.
You’re going to come off as extremely creepy to her. Let it go.
No relationship, no love. If what you’re feeling is as strong as you claim, then the correct word would be infatuation, or possibly obsession.
Exactly this!
Genuinely think you’re arguing about semantics with the love/attraction thing. Like, you can profess your love to someone despite no romantic relationship existing yet.
It’s honestly irrelevant what term OP uses to describe their feelings.
Though I do agree with the 2nd paragraph.
It’s not a matter of semantics, it’s a matter of drawing a distinction between 2 emotions that are often confused with each other. Call it whatever you want, but what OP calls love is clearly not what a regular person would consider to be love. This distinction, which has been made by several other people in this thread as well, is important because people will and often do justify being a creep as that they’re “in love.” See how already so much of OP’s argument hinges on the idea that he is in love? To be clear, he is very explicit that he is not just attracted to her - he is very clear that he believes he feels what a regular person would consider to be love.
Granted, in hindsight and given his responses so far, it seems unlikely that drawing this distinction would make a meaningful practical difference. But I fail to see how addressing one of the core parts of OP’s arguments can be considered as meaningless argument over semantics
Love is something that is built up over years of being in a relationship. No relationship, no love.
What?
From the Encyclopædia Britannica:
love, an emotion characterized by strong feelings of affection for another arising out of kinship, companionship, admiration, or benevolence. In a related sense, “love” designates a benevolent concern for the good or welfare of others. The term is also used to refer to sexual attraction or erotic desire toward another. Love as an individual emotion has been studied in several scientific disciplines, including psychology, biology and neuroscience, anthropology, and sociology.
Romeo and Juliet never got to live as a couple. Were they not in love?
We knew each other for 11 years, were bonded by various class activities. I believe that’s enough for the proper and pure feelings to form.
Citing the encyclopedia to describe love is like reading a dictionary to find out what the color red is. You’ll get a technically correct definition, but it doesn’t necessarily help with practical understanding.
I like the way Elizabeth Barrett Browning put it:
When our two souls stand up erect and strong, Face to face, silent, drawing nigh and nigher, Until the lengthening wings break into fire At either curvëd point,—what bitter wrong Can the earth do to us, that we should not long Be here contented? Think! In mounting higher, The angels would press on us and aspire To drop some golden orb of perfect song Into our deep, dear silence. Let us stay Rather on earth, Belovëd,—where the unfit Contrarious moods of men recoil away And isolate pure spirits, and permit A place to stand and love in for a day, With darkness and the death-hour rounding it.
- Sonnets from the Portuguese XXII
You may have loved her, in the sense that you felt affection toward her and wanted good things for her. Good friends, I would argue, should love one another in that way.
But this need to “confess” your feelings, seemingly out of the blue, after a long time apart, is not indicative of simple friendly, platonic love. This sort of “puppy love,” as we might refer to a youthful romantic interest or infatuation, is different from a true and lasting romantic love that grows from a mutual relationship.
Puppy love is not bad. It’s a normal part of growing up and learning to navigate romantic feelings and relationships. I’ll bet that most (if not all) of the people responding to you have experienced it, and as we have had more experiences with relationships and actually “falling in love” with other people, we have learned to tell the difference.
I can definitely point to a couple of long-term friends with whom I was infatuated as a teenager. I still feel a warm, platonic love for those people … but after having actually fallen in love, I can definitively say I was never “in love” with those people. I certainly don’t feel the need to reach out after years (decades, even) to tell them how I used to feel.
If you have not talked to this woman in years and she lives thousands of kilometers away, you have about a 1% chance of anything positive coming from your confession. If you’re not familiar with the Dobler/Dahmer Theory, it’s pretty simple. A grand romantic gesture will be well received if the recipient already finds the giver to be an acceptable potential romantic partner. If they don’t think of the giver in that way, it just comes off as creepy.
You have said that this woman was not romantically interested in you while you were acquainted. So that tells me you have better than a 50% shot of ending up on the “Dahmer” end of the scale.
Channel your energy into something more productive. Maybe get out into your community and find some affinity groups (hiking, coding, discussion, gardening, whatever floats your boat) and find some people you can connect with in the present instead of dwelling on the past.
Good luck!
(Apologies for the link to the random blog, but it’s the best source I found for explaining the phenomenon instead of just discussing the show where it originated. I heard about this theory years ago but I only learned today that it came from a sitcom.)
Romeo and Juliet never got to live as a couple. Were they not in love?
Dude, they weren’t real. That was fiction, not a documentary.
Whatever you say, brother. We’re only here to provide advice. And so far, everyone’s advice seems to be on the same page. It’s your decision whether to take it.
I will however point out that, in fact, the modern consensus is that Romeo and Juliet were not in love and that it was, at best, a hormone-driven highschool crush that lasted less than a week
Thank you for your clear and concise overview of Shakespeare’s most misunderstood play.
It’s really unfortunate that we have teenagers read Romeo and Juliet in high school. I think the story could only be romantic to teenagers.
When you consider the fact that the whole story lasts five days, it’s absurd that it could be the pinnacle of love. They barely know each other. Romeo was utterly in love with Rosaline at the beginning of the play, and five days later he had committed suicide because of Juliet.
But Shakespeare’s satiric themes of teenage impulsivity as a contrast to traditional courtly love are lost on a teenage audience, and i think very few people ever go back to read or watch the play when they are older and better versed in the ways of the world.
You’re… quoting an encyclopedia. On matters of romance and affection. You’re not coming across as “in love”; you’re coming across as infatuated. You’re in love with the idea of her, and the even more abstract idea of being in a relationship with her. I can just about guarantee you that reality is unlikely to fully match what you have in mind.
And… well, taken with your other replies and apparent reluctance to integrate and/or accept the rather consistent gist of the replies you’re getting, you’re starting to give off a wee bit of an incel vibe.
But anyways:
This isn’t a matter you can logically litigate. Human emotion is simply not a clean, cut-and-dried domain.
My further advice to you would be to focus on human connection first. Writ large, treat dating and romance as a side quest, not a primary quest. Focus on befriending people, and deepening interpersonal connection before anything else.
I don’t know what the nuance of the situation is, of course, but it sounds like you may have the opportunity to rekindle a friendship, and then see if it goes anywhere as things evolve. If you push really hard on the romance angle, especially if this is a very out-of-the-blue thing for her, you’re very likely to squick her out and nuke any chance of friendship, let alone anything more than that. Treat her as a human, and a friend, and then see where things go.
You’re… quoting an encyclopedia. On matters of romance and affection.
Well, someone was disagreeing with me on the definition of a word. What else was I supposed to quote? A dictionary?
I can just about guarantee you that reality is unlikely to fully match what you have in mind.
Not sure what you mean. We knew each other quite closely.
And… well, taken with your other replies and apparent reluctance to integrate and/or accept the rather consistent gist of the replies you’re getting, you’re starting to give off a wee bit of an incel vibe.
I… Don’t understand. The only replies I argued with tried to redefine love as someone that may not happen outside of an established relationship, a definition seemingly not familiar nor to Wikipedia, nor Britannica, nor Shakespeare, nor Dostoevsky.
Could you quote the parts where I’m giving “incel vibes”, please?
but it sounds like you may have the opportunity to rekindle a friendship, and then see if it goes anywhere as things evolve. If you push really hard on the romance angle, especially if this is a very out-of-the-blue thing for her, you’re very likely to squick her out and nuke any chance…
What part of “one-sided” could you miss? I’m not looking into meeting her again. She now lives thousands of kilometres away and definitely never liked me. My question had no hidden meaning: the “confession” was simply a matter of curiosity satisfaction, a reassuring compliment, and a way to close unanswered questions, as every person has a right to know of everything related to them in the highest possible extent.
… every person has a right to know of everything related to them in the highest possible extent.
I emphatically disagree with your proposition.
About a bajillion different people are credited with saying some variation of, “What other people think of me is none of my business.”
It must be exhausting to care about what everyone thinks of you. That’s a burden you are not required to carry. It’s also a burden you should not foist on someone who hasn’t asked for it.
I’m not here to debate you. I am here to provide advice from my lived experience.
Take it or leave it - this isn’t my monkey, and it’s not my circus.
tips hat
Ackchually milady, the eshiclopedia brihtannika says you’re wrong! Checkmate lib
laughs in incel
I think there are a lot of things at play here. Ultimately I don’t think you should, though.
The fact that you still want to tell them is suspicious. I think you’re not being honest with yourself. Your ulterior end game is a hope of some type of reciprocation. You haven’t moved on.
Just because (assuming it’s even true) a statistical model of a gender says “they probably would like it” is irrelevant. Would this individual like to hear it? It sounds like you don’t know. If you don’t know them well enough to anticipate how they would react, then I think it’s pretty safe to say they don’t know you well enough to receive the message “I used to love you” in a way that could ever come out as a net benefit to them.
I empathize immensely regarding your position. But as a 3rd party observer, don’t do it.
Additionally, even if there is no reciprocation expected, from their perspective, they will think this is in the hopes of reciprocation. And the more OP tries to convince them it’s not, the less convincing it will be. That kind of contact, regarding feelings from the past, just makes one instantly defensive and apprehensive about the idea that they may soon have to rebuff an advance. Which means finding any excuse to not socialize, respond to texts only minimally, don’t do anything which could feed into the idea that you are getting closer to them which could provoke an advance with underlying expectations and potentially a negative reaction upon rejection. It’s an inherently uncomfortable situation because of that underlying subtext of motive that doesn’t go away with any amount of explanation. There are many routes into so many open hearts out in the world. But this route does not lead to love, platonic or otherwise.
You seem young and infatuated, probably not a good idea either way though.
No it is weird and creepy.
The person you think you loved doesn’t even exist anymore and it is highly likely they never did.
You had a childhood crush. Leave it to the sweet memory of the past.
The person you think you loved doesn’t even exist anymore and it is highly likely they never did.
The only time I have told someone about feelings I had long ago is when we started hanging out again and they were open to reciprocate. Not an out of the blue cold call.
To be clear, in this context NOT telling them would be the wrong decision. Very, different from OPs situation.
No
