I’ve lost 3 men in my life to suicide, 1 very close and very recently. What resources can I engage with to help. Literally what can I do, outside of generic advice, what’s an action I can proactively take. Are suicide hotlines still a thing? Is being an operator on there possible and what qualifications are there.
It depends very strongly on the reasons.
But as someone who had severe struggles with this and still thinks about it from time to time (since live is fucking hard and some developments also absolutely not helping) I would also wish for something that might sound very hard.
Letting go.
I’ll have to be cautious about this advice, as I’m not a therapist, but: Ask for help with something. Any task they could be more qualified for, or that you need a second person, rely on them a bit. When they help you, thank them wholeheartedly, even with a gesture like a gift.
People like to feel that they’re needed and appreciated, that they have some worthiness in people’s eyes. But don’t fault yourself for lack of this action - it’s impossible for everyone to do this for everyone they know, and self-harmful minds do a lot to hide themselves.
Best of luck.
Care for yourself and be yourself when you are around them.
If you feel happy be happy around them.
Ask them if they have considered therapy.
Ask them if they’ve done sports
Ask them if they have looked into their nutrition
If they say no to all of these questions try to not put too preassure on yourself.
If they say yes to any or all those question try to not put too preassure on yourself.
It’s not your fault. You don’t have to carry the world on your shoulders.
I think one thing that would help someone depressed is to be with them and not expect them to have energy to reach out (And also respecting what they want). Of course considering ones own mental resources and not burning yourself out. And supporting them in getting help.
Everyone has their own reasons for being depressed, sometimes unknown even to themselves. Another thing that would help is to support the depressed person in working towards solution to their reason, if its something you can help with. Or helping them find something else that can help.
Just dont wear yourself out, then you cant help anyone. The professionals should do the “heavy lifting” but one can be there in someones life to support.
Imo its better to help few people a lot than help many people a little. (helping someone personally vs answering phone, but hotlines are important too. They just treat the symptoms though)
There are still appropriate crisis hotlines all over the world.
I wish I had sage advice for you. I lost my first born to suicide 13 years ago this month, and my best friend
34 years ago.My son was in therapy, among other things to help. I kept telling them he needed to be in inpatient psychiatric care, with constant suicide watch. They disagreed.
My best friend was in a depression spiral, stemming from a work related back injury.
I was actively trying to help both. I realize now, I am not properly equipped to help alone.
Edit: I realized my friend went in 2022, not 2023.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I know you’re struggling, but you’re not going to like my answer.
I walked that particular path when I was young. Did the counseling, took the pills, went to group therapy. The whole stick.
In the end nobody can rescue you, you have to choose to live. And it’s hellishly hard to do that when depression is crushing you. It is a shear act of will by the individual, and you have minimal ability to influence it.
In the end, I chose to take the pills, and do the counseling, but they never really helped. I kept saying to myself, well if this doesn’t work out, i can always kill myself tomorrow.
What really helped was just finding something to do. I did scuba classes, karate classes, sculpting classes, living history reenactment, nature hikes. I took an enormous effort to do them. It was like walking through syrup and the world was always gray. But if i’d stopped, i’d be dead.
I’m not and have never been suicidal. I appreciate what you’ve said though.
??? I never implied you were. I was talking about your ability to affect others.
Edit: probably shouldn’t have used the word “you” so much. It’s just my writing style.
It’s okay, I appreciate the response I just wanted to make sure that was clear.
👌
Kinda surprised no one’s mentioned 988 yet. (Edit, okay yeah I saw it.) It’s relatively new but it’s absolutely a thing. I also happen to know the VA has a crisis line as well if anyone can use that. They promote it often.
In my experience there’s two types of suicidal people. One is the person who talks about it frequently, sometimes jokingly, sometimes not, and that person is easy. They’re asking for help and for someone to intervene. They want to be stopped.
The second one is the one we should worry about. They’re dead set on taking their own life and will make sure they can’t be stopped. They’ll make a plan quietly, secretly. They’ll carry out the plan when no one is around. They may even look okay, because often a person who has made the final decision to do it will appear calm and happy. If you suspect such a thing, the only thing you can truly do is make sure they never get the opportunity. Make sure they’re never alone. Keep them talking. Watch their mood. Tell others in their circle to do the same.
Which brings me to another point: Call in the cavalry. You don’t have to fight someone’s suicidal ideation by yourself. Get their friends and family around them to move them towards professional help, because it’s a group effort.
As far as real, actionable advise, that’s really the best I can offer.
Well, 988 is presumably a national offering, since these short numbers don’t route internationally…
I’m sorry for your loss. I read somewhere in reddit in the past that the book “Suicide: The forever decision” helped them.
I didn’t read that book to personally vouch for it but kept it in mind because the comment seemed genuine.
If there’s someone in your life that you feel is slipping into that trap, show them that you care. And I don’t mean tell them that you care, show them. When I was in that pit words were utterly meaningless. People say kind things all the time that they don’t actually mean. But when my mom showed up to my door at 2 am, worried because I didn’t return her texts that day, I felt that. I felt that through the numbness of depression and SSRIs.
Ultimately though, as the other poster said, it was up to me whether I kept going or not. The thing that helped me was going out to get breakfast alone on Saturday morning. Feeling the sun on my skin, watching the birds, and eating a good meal eventually helped me come around. That, and getting away from the situation and people that caused the depression in the first place.
Being out in nature has repeatedly been shown to boost mental health.
Inviting a depressed friend to join you for even very short outdoor activities might really help, especially if done regularly.
Feel for ya bro. I lost someone very close too. Truth is its not always easy to tell if someone is close to the edge.
Encourage talking about problems/feelings.
If someone tells you they are suicidal, get them to seek medical help. Hound them until they have spoken to a doctor.
Remember that they are responsible for their own wellbeing. You cannot control what they do. Ultimately that’s on them.
I wouldn’t be too afraid that your background or identity would alienate someone. Like you said, your program will provide training, and your willingness to help people is what really matters.
As i understand it, the trevor project is specifically designed to help reach people that our current society is failing to reach, the government is against them, etc. which is motivating for many volunteers.
There is nothing wrong with helping a more general audience thought. Any help is good.
One caution, I have heard personally that friends of friends who have gone this route professionally have gotten jaded and burnt out. I don’t want this for anyone, especially you, given your background. So my advice is, schedule some time off whether you think you’ll need it or not, in advance. And any place you talk to, ask what systems they have in place to detect and prevent empathy fatigue and burn out. I don’t know if i would trust any place that didn’t have a well thought out answer.
I wouldn’t do it professionally. I have a great career I love already. But, I am afforded a ton of time off based on my schedule.
Suicide always leaves those of us behind with many questions, more than one takes an ever greater toll on the mind of the one left behind, so I want to first say first and foremost, genuinely: Your emotions are valid, and I know firsthand how much it can make one become overwhelmed.
Yes, suicide hotlines are still a thing. For the LGBTQ+ Youth, there is The Trevor Project, for others 988 services general crisis-level calls. You would need to contact particular crisis centers themselves likely for more details, but I would suspect one would need a degree in Psychology or other therapeutic-esque degrees to work in them.
Other than that, the unfortunate and harsh truth is that if one truly intends to go through with it, you as one person are unlikely to know until it is too late. Some choose the mercy of an out on their own accord, and those serious oft not talk about it unprompted. We have to try to be the best we can for those we cherish, and if something happens in spite of that, we know that we gave them a light, however dim it might have been, before the time. It is not a full solace, but it contextualizes an otherwise very overwhelming feeling.
I appreciate the response!
I’m sorry for your loss. That’s a heavy thing to deal with, and to go through it three times is pretty brutal.
Suicide hotlines are still a thing. Exactly how they work and how to contact them will vary depending on your region. They’re almost certainly in need of more operators, and while I’m sure they’ll give you some advice for helping people going through it, I’m not sure what kind of experience you need to work or volunteer with them (again, that will vary with region).
I will caution you that it’s an extremely difficult job. That’s not to dissuade you from going out to help people - but to help others you have to help yourself first so you need to be aware what kind of toll that work can have on people.
Regarding my own suicidality and with men in particular there comes a fear of vulnerability. Suicide is one of the heaviest, most personal things a person can go through. Oftentimes our culture, or upbringing, or gender norms prevent people from opening up emotionally. Suicide is taboo and the suicidal often struggle with feelings of guilt, and talking about it brings in a fear of rejection or ridicule.
The advice I can offer is to try and foster an environment where people can open up to you judgment-free. If you’re willing to be vulnerable around others that sets an example that they can be vulnerable around you. Hearing about suicide is also an upsetting thing, and if you have a history with several victims you might naturally be upset to hear someone is considering it a fourth time. If your feelings are explosive, try to rein them in - an outburst likely means they won’t open up to you again.
Because the fear of opening up is real, it might be difficult to recognize the warning signs. This isn’t a failure on your part, the victim is literally hiding it from everyone. Most people expect the suicidal to be depressed, but people will often socially mask their feelings by overcompensating with an appearance of happiness. However, if there is someone who you fear is considering suicide and is outwardly depressed, and then one day out of the blue they’re suddenly fine - that can be a signal they’ve decided to end their life which somewhat paradoxically brings about a feeling of peace. In either case, when somebody starts giving away treasured possessions (sentimental, expensive, or things they use every day), that’s a pretty clear warning.
I’d also advise you to check out some resources online. There are associations for suicide prevention and mental health in general that have some fantastic resources available to the general public. While not specifically what you asked for, here is a toolkit for people who have lost someone to suicide.
There is one more thing I’d like to add. It might be upsetting, but its intent is to give you peace of mind: you can’t help everyone. That’s not a cop-out or callousness either. In psychiatry there is a concept of resistance which implies a couple things.
First, a patient is likely to resist any psychiatric intervention - therapy is difficult, it can hurt you emotionally, and the patient’s disordered behaviour is often a coping mechanism that they’ve learned to deal with their life - even if they want to be fixed they might not want to lose their coping methods or lifestyle.
Second, a therapist is unable to help a patient that does not want to help themselves. You can try every trick in the book, but if they’re really not into it then there’s no way to help them. That’s not a personal failing on the therapist’s part. Now technically in the case of suicide you might be able to point to how a doctor can force someone into a hospital if they’re at imminent risk of suicide - but stripping someone of their autonomy and pumping them full of drugs until the danger passes is the exact kind of behaviour that would prevent someone from opening up again.
I am really sorry you’re going through it. Don’t beat yourself up, and try to remember them as they were before they got sick
